suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

...Everything? Look at what happened. What part could you say was a success?

[ World peace was not achieved. But still... even at the very very very end, there was a glimmer of hope that something could have gone right. Kano, for all the time he was stuck in the Daze meeting up with people as they found their way out, never did try to escape himself.

If not for Ziggy, and Yuya, and everybody else who'd brought everybody back, Kano would have died in there. And he would have been okay with it. ]

I don't know, as long as you keep hiding what you were thinking. You're not me, so I can't assume you feel the same way about what you did.

[He tilts his head to look at Kano wearily. It feels like it should be obvious why he keeps asking.] Is your way of 'making it up to me' going to be pretending my feelings aren't there? That I'm not hurt?

[ Yuya is obviously upset, not even Kano can pretend he isn't. But what can Kano do in this situation? Apologies don't mean anything from Kano. Explaining himself would be more harm than good.

He shrugs. ]

Your hurt feelings are being heard loud and clear, Yu~ya. As for making it up to you... I'll do it in my own way.

[ Which means not through any real apology, and not through honesty, or confidence. He turns on his heels and pulls himself up onto the loft, lifting Nightmare up so he can lie down and place her back on his stomach. ]

Close the door when you leave.

Yeah, I see. [Yuya slumps, expression twisting in frustration as tears blur his vision again.] The feelings that matter most are yours, aren't they? That's why it has to be your way. That's why you don't care. You don't care.

[ Just give Yuya what he wants. It'll be quick and easy and then it'll be over. ]

That's right. I can't afford to keep everybody else in consideration, or I wouldn't be able to do anything. How it is... the ends will justify the means. So you don't matter. I'll do things my way.

[Yuya grits his teeth, sucking in a sharp, angry breath. He doesn't make a move at first, doesn't make any sound after.

And then he kicks off the door and hauls himself up on the bed, grabbing for Kano's arms with his nails digging in and kneeling over him to pin him down.]

Ugh- geez!!

[ Yuya's too quick for him to prevent the flash of pain of having his arms grabbed over the deep cuts that still pepper them. For a split second, he's unmasked, eyes swimming with tears and a grimace on his face, before he's able to numb himself and wipe all expression off his face and try to kick Yuya off him. ]

Why can't you take a hint and leave me alone?!

Says you! [Yuya leans his weight forward in refusal.

The grip from his hand tightens.] Take off your illusions and say that again. To my face, not hiding behind your stupid powers!

Leave me alone.

[ But he does not take off his illusions; he doesn't need to, so long as he's prepared to keep himself numb as long as it takes. If he cannot feel pain, his illusions won't fall. He cannot feel the way his gut wrenches or his heart pounds or his mind spins and tilts. He can't feel any of that, no anger, no worry no fear, no nothing. He's nothing inside. He's nothing. But he's safe. ]

Is that what you really want? Should I have just stayed dead? [A shudders runs through his shoulders.] You owe me a favor, so take them off. Show me what your face really looks like right now.

No.

[ He won't let Yuya see his real face, and he doesn't want to see Yuya's either, shutting his eyes and turning his head. ]

You shouldn't've died in the first place, and I don't owe you shit. Who cares what my face looks like?

I care, obviously. That's why I keep chasing after you all this time, because I care! Because the Kano that hates himself is my friend but he keeps running away like I don't mean anything to him!

If--if you're going to throw me away, you could at least mean it.

[ Yuya keeps saying that, and he doesn't get it- doesn't get why Maverick kept insisting they're still friends even know Kano is a shit and will always be a shit, saying stuff like that that makes his chest hurt no matter how hard Kano tries to cling to the numbness. ]

Stupid. Dumbass. I'm pushing you away 'cause you'll be better off without me. If I didn't care, I never would've opened the door.

... And if I really believed that, I wouldn't have made you let me in.

[His expression eases a little, and his fingers no longer dig into Kano's arms as they press against him.]

And if you really didn't care you wouldn't have any reason not to tell me. So it is really that you're afraid to give me a reason to leave instead of being the one to push my away?

[ Yuya's not only stupid, but he's a fool. The moment Yuya lets up, Kano wrenches his arms away so he can turn around and bury his face into his pillow, mumbled words that Yuya will just have to keep quiet and decipher. ]

I've given you tons of reasons to leave, but you're too blind to see 'em. Did you know, even Toki saw them.

So what makes this one any different? [Like, he knows, getting him and Nana murdered should be enough reason for him to have turned his back right then. Maybe if anger was the only thing he felt for Kano, but it couldn't be after everything.

He still doesn't get off, but when Kano turns his head away Yuya reaches to, instead, gently run his fingers through Kano's hair.]

Could you really listen to me for once, and not put the things you think I should be saying in my mouth? I've always been honest about it.

[ There's the startle again, when Yuya touches his hair, not expecting the contact, for one, and especially not one so gentle. It's enough to make Kano sit up, and give Yuya a brief, bewildered look, before he flops back down again and lets the pillow reclaim his face. ]

You're too honest, if you ask me. But I'm listening, I'm listening... I do listen, even though you're always too scared to speak your mind about this or that. I can tell, you know?

[It only lasts for a moment before Yuya draws his hands back and rests them against his legs.]

Guess we didn't do a good job sharing secrets. [He reaches to rub his eye, expression twisting wryly.]

It hurts, Kano. It... really does. All of that, it hurt so much. [He takes in a sharp breath, trying to keep his emotions steady.] And I'm upset but... but I don't want you to get rid of me because of it. Or run away. You don't--something like this isn't for no reason, and whether it was a failure or not... what you were thinking matters to me.

You don't have to be alone and just keep hurting yourself, or anyone else. You can talk to me, and I'm still here aren't I?

[ They really are terrible at it, not that Kano had any real intentions on letting anybody in too deep; that would be dangerous, for them and for him.

He knows it hurts, the way he draws people in, lets them run into a wall whenever they get too close, and then forces them out of his life. It hurts the same way when he's drawn in, and gets tossed aside as well. It hurts in a way it never did before, when he truly didn't care because there was nobody to care about, when he did everything all by himself because there was nobody else to reach out to. Everything was working out, back then. Being alone. Hurting. Trying, despite of all of that. Trying so hard, he's resorted in seeking out demons before his own fellow humans, his own friends. Because he doesn't do something like this for no reason.

He draws a breath and flips back over, letting his arm rest over his eyes so he doesn't have to see Yuya, and Yuya doesn't have to see him. ]

I can't. It's got to be me by myself, because I know the sort of person you are. You're a good person, Yuya. If I tell you my reasons and... my problems and stuff, you're going to want to help. And I can't let you do that.

Would it be that bad to let me help instead of doing something like this?

[He puts his hand to his chest, tracing his fingers absently over the scar through his shirt.] Do you really think it'd hurt me worse, being part of your problems instead of--of being a consequence of them?

Yeah, I do. If I told you I were going to summon a daemon, would you trust my intentions and help me? Or would you try and stop me?

[ Like Toki, who had always went along with Kano's schemes, and got hurt many times because of him. At least Toki got out. Yuya is still a stubborn fool, who led Yuya through fields and fire and through his lies, made him run away without him. ]

I guess it depends. [Yuya reaches for Kano's wrist, trying to gently pry his arm from his eyes.] Sometimes your ideas are terrible and I'm not always going to agree with them. Maybe this would have been one of them. Or maybe we would have thought of something else entirely because we were working together. We're both pretty weak when we're alone, aren't we?

[Yuya knows he is, knows he isn't very capable on his own. Kano suffered firsthand to it. If he could be stronger on his own, he would be, but until then... he knows he needs other people. Nana, Gongenzaka, Kano.]

[ Kano lets Yuya move his arm off his face, but doesn't let him see anything under them, eyes dry and narrowed, no eye contact as he's too busy staring at the ceiling off to the side of Yuya's head.

He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it, because that wouldn't help. He's weak when he's alone, he knows that. It's why he tries so hard to do what he can. It's why he made so many Contracts, tried to get a fourth... Why he did what he did. Because he's weak when he's alone, but what if he could get stronger without dragging anybody else into his problems? ]

No... If you go along with my ideas, you'll just get into trouble along with me. If we try to think of somebody else together... It won't be enough. You aren't prepared to take the same risks as I am. Make the same sacrifices. Either way you look at it, you shouldn't get involved.

[Yuya purses his lips.] Do you really think everything you come up with is the best? You think you couldn't do better? Do you...

[He bites his lip, trembling with a new wave of hurt. That's so--so arrogant.]

So was it worth it? [Yuya draws his hand up slowly, firmly tracing the scar under his shirt.] Sacrificing me. And Nana, and Akechi, and Miss Rivera. Was it worth sacrificing us?

[ He flinches inwardly, doing his best not to let it show on his face. ]

No, I told you—- You weren't supposed to have died! Nobody was supposed to have died- do you think I would've sacrificed the people I cared about most when there's people I don't give a crap about? It was me- it was supposed to have been me!

[ Just him. He was supposed to die. He was supposed to-- It doesn't matter. What matters is that he went out of his way to the basement of the theater where nobody ever is, that out of so many people on campus that could have been hurt, the fact that his closest friends— not even friends, he doesn't deserve to think of them that way- the fact that they were the ones to get hurt, there was no way it was on purpose. Everybody else, he wouldn't have cared as much. It's a selfish thought, mean and ugly, but he wouldn't have cared. He's barely clinging onto friends and family at this point; nobody else matters. ]

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