suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

I guess it depends. [Yuya reaches for Kano's wrist, trying to gently pry his arm from his eyes.] Sometimes your ideas are terrible and I'm not always going to agree with them. Maybe this would have been one of them. Or maybe we would have thought of something else entirely because we were working together. We're both pretty weak when we're alone, aren't we?

[Yuya knows he is, knows he isn't very capable on his own. Kano suffered firsthand to it. If he could be stronger on his own, he would be, but until then... he knows he needs other people. Nana, Gongenzaka, Kano.]

[ Kano lets Yuya move his arm off his face, but doesn't let him see anything under them, eyes dry and narrowed, no eye contact as he's too busy staring at the ceiling off to the side of Yuya's head.

He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it, because that wouldn't help. He's weak when he's alone, he knows that. It's why he tries so hard to do what he can. It's why he made so many Contracts, tried to get a fourth... Why he did what he did. Because he's weak when he's alone, but what if he could get stronger without dragging anybody else into his problems? ]

No... If you go along with my ideas, you'll just get into trouble along with me. If we try to think of somebody else together... It won't be enough. You aren't prepared to take the same risks as I am. Make the same sacrifices. Either way you look at it, you shouldn't get involved.

[Yuya purses his lips.] Do you really think everything you come up with is the best? You think you couldn't do better? Do you...

[He bites his lip, trembling with a new wave of hurt. That's so--so arrogant.]

So was it worth it? [Yuya draws his hand up slowly, firmly tracing the scar under his shirt.] Sacrificing me. And Nana, and Akechi, and Miss Rivera. Was it worth sacrificing us?

[ He flinches inwardly, doing his best not to let it show on his face. ]

No, I told you—- You weren't supposed to have died! Nobody was supposed to have died- do you think I would've sacrificed the people I cared about most when there's people I don't give a crap about? It was me- it was supposed to have been me!

[ Just him. He was supposed to die. He was supposed to-- It doesn't matter. What matters is that he went out of his way to the basement of the theater where nobody ever is, that out of so many people on campus that could have been hurt, the fact that his closest friends— not even friends, he doesn't deserve to think of them that way- the fact that they were the ones to get hurt, there was no way it was on purpose. Everybody else, he wouldn't have cared as much. It's a selfish thought, mean and ugly, but he wouldn't have cared. He's barely clinging onto friends and family at this point; nobody else matters. ]

Yeah, but it wasn't. [Yuya pokes Kano's nose with his index finger.] So all those plans you keep to yourself aren't as great as you're saying they are, right? Even if you won't accept help, don't act like you're doing anything noble by taking it all on yourself because it didn't do anything good at all. And anyway...

[Yuya pauses, before moving his hand to instead brush his finger under Kano's eye like he's going to wipe it clean. He can't see through his illusion, so he doesn't know for sure. But after seeing Shuuya, seeing his 'mother', after all of that Yuya thinks he must be crying underneath it.]

I don't want you to be a person who destroys yourself and others like that. Even if you don't care about them... someone does, someone's always going to suffer.

[ Yuya's finger comes back wet, and Kano hisses out a low, shuddering breath before he pushes away from Yuya and hops off the bed— thinks twice about going outside where all the guards are, and instead wraps his arms around himself and paces the tiny floor space irritably. ]

People are always going to suffer, [ he mumbles, more to himself than to Yuya. ] It's a matter of when, and how. I wanted... I'm going to do something about it. That's why I did it.

[Yuya sits back, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms around them.]

Yeah, they are. Lots of things hurt, not even just demons. [He tips his head.] So what did you think you were going to do about it? Did you... think you could trade yourself to a demon for our safety or something?

Edited 2019-05-26 04:59 (UTC)

[ His room is too empty, there's nothing to stare at or to distract himself with, Kano's forced to pick his lizard up to hold even though she's not as soft and pettable as a cat, it's still something to do. So he doesn't have to look at Yuya. ]

Something like that.

[Yuya stares at Kano quietly for a moment.]

... Well, I can tell you now that's not what any of us want. If you do something like this for our sake without talking to us, of course all you're going to do is make it hurt. And if it's just for your sake... then I want you to talk to me, or someone, because there's no good reason you need to be a sacrifice, either.

[ That sort of thing doesn't matter when the end justifies the means, and Kano's just. Tired. Of waiting for the end. ]

If I talk to somebody, of course they'll stop me. I just want to be useful for once in my life, Yuya.

Of course we'll stop you. [Yuya's lips twitch up briefly.] Because your plan sucks. I want to be useful, too. I want to be worth even a little bit of what my friends give me... but I also know I mess up a lot when I try. I hurt the people I care about, too. Even if we mean well, it doesn't make it okay, right?

[He looks down, scooting to the edge of the bed and hanging his legs off the edge.] This is going to sound bad, but when I met you... it was kind of a relief that there was someone else who wasn't all that good either. I mean, I didn't feel like I wasn't good enough to be your friend. And you had other friends, too, so it wasn't just--there's no way there's not a place for us if so many people already believe in us being here, is there?

[ Kano narrows his eyes a little. ]

I didn't have other friends?

[ Not a single one. The first real confirmation he got was with Maverick, while the other boy was completely intoxicated. Talks about friendship with Yuya, too, happened flippantly, way later. His friendship with Toki might have always been one-sided, from the start. ]

And I don't plan to stay here. The only reason I'm here is to be kept under watch, after all. I'm not here to play the hero, like you are.

You have Nana. And Maverick, right? Akechi? [Probably others? But he knows at least Nana.] And I didn't mean a place fighting Nightfall. I meant just--any place. To exist, and be wanted. Happy.

[He digs his fingers into the mattress, looking up at the ceiling.] I don't want to see anyone hurt, but I told you before... my first priority is my friends. My family. When Nightfall comes, I'm going to give everything to protect them. To give them the chance to still have a life without being so afraid. Make them happy--you, too. That's all I really care about. Preserving my little world, this is just the best place to learn how.

[Besides that, he doesn't really care. His grades aren't spectacular, he's hardly focused on the noble, protective image of the school. He just wants to keep those precious to him as close and safe as he can. He's just also not a person who can blithely hurt others just because he doesn't know them. Not unless it's necessary, because he knows he'd be disappointing them.]

You're part of it, too. It hurts to lose you because of how much you mean to me.

[ It's the same with Kano, doing what he does in order to preserve his own, dwindling world. The difference is, Yuya looks forward to learning more and becoming stronger, while Kano feels pushed to the point where he just wants it to end. That's why he did what he did- why he does what he does- giving everything he can to protect his friends and the only thing he has left is his life.

If his pact with Saeru had worked, he was sure everybody would be safe and happy, that there would be no Nightfall, that the nightmare would end and that he could let go, knowing everything will be okay for everybody else. He never wanted to be part of it. ]

...This is why I didn't want friends. I'm going to lose people, and it's going to hurt. If we weren't friends, you wouldn't hurt so much. It's not too late to stop.

No, I think it is. [He tugs his shirt briefly.] Because I'd lose an important friend no matter what. I'd lose Kano who I feel comfortable around. Who plays stupid games with me and stays there when I start crying. And takes on too much by himself, but it's from the same place it comes from with me so I... I understand it. And he makes me happy, and I know it's going to hurt but I'm not afraid because that happiness will come with it again. And it's worth it.

[ Another reason they shouldn't be friends, Kano thinks, burying his face into Nightmare's scaly back, is that the Kano Yuya is comfortable around, who plays stupid games and makes him happy, that entire persona is fabricated, in the end, an act that takes so much effort and is exhausting and he keeps it up because he's a fool who just wants people to have a good time and be happy. The real him is the person Yuya saw- Shuuya who would cry at a drop of a hat, who would worry himself sick over whether somebody is angry at him, who had to grow up and be self-sufficient and rely on nobody else because there was nobody for him to trust-- that's the real him, weak and a crybaby and a screwup and Yuya's seen more of that from Kano than anybody else in the entire school, his entire life.

And still, he says that Kano is worth is.

He bows his head, and draws a breath. ]

...I'm sorry that I wouldn't tell you anything, and that I got you killed because of it. ...Twice.

[Yuya closes his eyes, reaching to wipe his eyes again but stopping short and just... deciding not to. It's fine, whatever, he cries all the time as he can hop off the bed without problem even if his vision is kind of blurry.

His feet hit the ground and then he walks up to Kano, reaching to rest his hands gently on his shoulders. Not even gripping them, so much as just laying there.]

Please... take off your illusion, Kano. [He still wants to see the face he's hiding under there. There's probably more of Kano etched on it that he even remembers.]

[ ...If that's the only apology Yuya will accept, then he has no other choice, does he? He can't look at Yuya when he does it, eyes downturned and feeling incredibly vulnerable when he takes off his illusion that he wears day in and day out like he does his black jacket and platform boots.

He isn't crying, not anymore, but there are tear tracks down his face, eyes rimmed red with dark circles underneath. There are some scars on his face, all old. His hair is matted with old sweat. The jacket he wears covers his arms up to his wrists, but he can't hide his hands because he's holding his bearded dragon; there are cuts all over his hand, the pad of his thumb on the right hand, lines across his wrist. His pants are stained with dirt, the hem of jacket torn, the shirt underneath stained with the rust of old blood. ]

[He... looks like he needs a bath, honestly. How long has the blood stain been there...?

Yuya's gaze doesn't drag over Kano's form for long, because what he's really focused on is his face. That's where his focus stays, as he moves his hands down to cup them over Kano's and hiding those scars under the warmth of his palms.

He doesn't speak up at first when Kano doesn't look at him, but when he finally does his expression is soft--still teary-eyed but with a welcoming, affectionate smile settled in his lips and a warmness in his eyes. This Kano he's just as happy to see, too, as much as he is sad that he suffers so much under it all.]

So we're clear... I'm not getting you a recoiless rifle.

[That's it, that's what he has to say with all that adoration in his expression. He may have forgiven Kano but there are still some privileges to be revoked.]

[ He is indeed in terrible need of a bath, and doesn't bother with self-care for much of the time because there is nobody to notice and to see, what with the way he can hide everything and make it not matter. His shoulders jolt when he feels Yuya's hands on his face, eyes fluttering open and mouth open, about to protest, when Yuya says that. And he breathes out a laugh, shaky and incredulous, mouth twisted in a way that's so much more awkward and shy than all his other "usual" bright cheerful smiles. ]

Aw, are you sure you don't want to back up my bad ideas?

[Yuya cracks out a laugh, that bubbles into something stronger and more ecstatic with a wide grin that's always been genuine from him as his whole posture eases.]

You've got some trust to earn back first... so let's start with the bad ideas we come up with together, okay? I'm full of them too.

[Just usually not the bad idea that results in summoning a daemon.] Don't forget there's a whole motorbike you still need to learn to drive.

[ It's not a smile that lasts very long on Kano's face, rare enough as it is that he's able to smile without the help of an illusion, but the smile shifts to his eyes that soften and finally look up at Yuya, relieved and apologetic and anxious all in one. ]

You're going to have to help me with that, Yuya. I'll wear my helmet and kneepads and everything, so... Will you forgive me?

Yeah, I'll forgive you. [There's no hesitation when he says it, and he looks at Kano's real face the same way he does when it's an illusion--happy, comfortable, easy.] Just... not again, please.

[But despite it, still a flinch of pain as he pushes the memory back. No, don't think about it right now.] So, uh, when was the last time you had a bath?

[ If he can only be forgiven one time, then he'll just have to be careful not to screw up any more. Bad ideas can still be fruitful ideas, etc etc, but now he has Yuya and everybody else to rope into them and maybe his friends' common sense will help balance out Kano's lack of. ]

Hm... [ Not answering that question. ] When was the last time it rained?

Ugh, Kano. [Yuya gags a little before pulling back to start guiding him to the bathroom for what is probably an obvious purpose.] You at least have pj's, right?

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