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[That's not even remotely reassuring. Yuya ducks his head, absently rubbing his arm.] I didn't just... I was racing Nana in the halls. I didn't know there was a daemon, or--and he just grabbed me too quickly so I couldn't...

[He covers his mouth, taking a deep breath. Even thinking about it still shakes him. He hadn't had any expectations there was danger. It was a normal day. It was supposed to be safe.]

[ ...He wants to ask if Yuya at least died happy, caught up in the excitement of the race and being there with his best friend in his last moments. But it couldn't have been an instantaneous death, and it couldn't have been painless, remembering how it was for himself when he'd set his bloodied hands on the sigil and the room became engulfed in darkness. He remembers Yuya crying back then too, distraught at having died and back then, Kano had looked away out of guilt and focused more on getting Yuya out of there, as if that would make up for it. ]

It doesn't make you weak, or a failure, or any of that, you know... The regrets you have, it's good to have them because it means you're still alive to have them, right? ...Would you feel better if you cried?

[ He is very bad at this comforting thing, but crying makes him feel better, so ??? ]

[He's kind of bad, but the genuine poor attempt makes Yuya laugh--which results in tears, because of course it does, but he wipes them away quickly.]

I-I'll probably cry about it again, until it stops... I can stop thinking about it so much. It's not the first time I've--almost died.

[It just blindsided him more, hurt worse when he had to watch Nana fight for her life while he was losing his. He thought that night was the worse thing he'd ever feel, but he was so wrong.]

[ He's trying. But the fact that Yuya can still cry is a good thing. For as much as Kano cries, in secret when he can, sometimes he can't really feel it anymore. He tries not to think about all those past time, never processed it because if he can't remember then there's nothing to process, but even he knows that talking about it can bring some sort of relief.

He looks down at the ground. Back up at Yuya. ]

Do you dream about it, sometimes?

... I don't know. [Yuya shrugs a shoulder as he sniffs.] I never really remember my dreams, or... I get nightmares almost every night. I always have, so maybe I just never learned to remember my dreams because of that.

[He rubs his shoulder.] But I remember it. It was... really hard to think about at first. They brought a therapist to the hospital, and I had one when I first came to Daybreak so I could work through it.

I hid the scars, too. [He reaches gently for Kano's hand, to rest his thumb over the marks on it.] Because I didn't want people to ask.

Edited (adds content) 2019-05-27 04:26 (UTC)

[ Nightmares... are a familiar thing to Kano too, who suffers through them and had decided that the way to deal with them is to not sleep at all at night, to get by through cat naps scattered throughout the day so he never really gets to REM sleep and staves off nightmares that way. It works. But it's also not recommended, so he looks back down at his hand, Yuya's resting over it, a small frown working its way onto his face.

In his case, he hid his scars not because he was ashamed about the way they looked, or thought people would pity him or be disgusted by them, but what Yuya says hits a little closer. He didn't want people to ask. Not because talking would dredge up bad memories, but because people are always looking to jump at who to blame, like how Yuya immediately wanted to fight whatever daemon Kano had made a Contract with, when he first found out. The person who caused all his hurt, who left all these scars, that's who he doesn't want to talk about, to bring blame to. ]

We don't have to talk about it, [ he mumbles, because he would feel obligated to talk about himself too, then, and he's exhausted. ] but I'm glad you were able to, before. A therapist... Did it help any?

I know. [He smiles faintly.] It's not that I don't trust you, but... I didn't want to tell someone and hear what they'd think about him if they knew. You understand, right?

[It's exactly that blame, even though Yuya thinks Kano's mother deserves it and Gongenzaka doesn't. It doesn't change that Kano still loved her, wouldn't hear her called a monster or anything else despite witnessing what she'd done.]

Therapy helped. I'd never felt anything like that before, and she was really nice and helped me understand it. She'd play with me, too, between physical therapy.

[And that helped keep his mind off the fragility of his body when he was recovering from months of being bedbound, of hearing doctors whisper to his mother that the nerve damage might be irreparable, that he might be paralyzed. Like he couldn't hear them. She was really nice, and for a moment he wonders if he should let her know how he's doing now.]

[ Aah, so Yuya's silence is to protect a person, like Kano had thought. If it had been a daemon, or an accident, there would be no reason to hide it. But he hadn't thought it was that bad, to need physical therapy too. And- Yuya must have been much younger, if the therapist had also been a playmate. ]

I said we don't have to talk about it, but I'm really curious now?? I'll keep all my opinions to myself, my lips are sealed!

[Yuya snorts, shifting on his feet and rubbing the back of his neck. He all but demanded Kano reveal his scars, after all.]

Uh, it's under my shirt. Do you... want to see them?

[He knows it sounds bad. It was bad, and it's going to look bad but. He won't hide it, he decides.]

Hmm... Yeah, okay, hand your shirt over, I'm going to need something to change into later, anyways.

Oh, so you're going to take a bath? I guess I don't have to worry about sharing the room after all.

[But okay. He turns in his heels to face his back to Kano before he unbuttons the shirt, sliding it off and holding it limply for Kano to take.

Shuuya had caught a brief glimpse, but now Kano gets as long and unobstructed of a view as he wants--long, thick, stretched, jagged claw marks from the base of his neck down to the hem of his pants. It would have been multiple deliberate swipes to cause them, not just a single catch against any beast.

It makes Yuya a little nervous, because staring was always what he didn't want but as long as he doesn't see it from Kano he can push it out of his mind. He stuffs his hands in his pockets.]

I'd been... at Gongenzaka's dojo to play. I was supposed to leave before the sun set, since it was a full moon.

[ He takes the shirt and stuffs it into his pocket, where he'll hopefully be able to retrieve it later amongst the other 234095468 things in there.

Seeing the scars tells him a lot. Yuya's words tells him the rest. Gongenzaka, a full moon, deep wounds only a monster would be capable of. Kano promised to keep his opinions to himself, so he does exactly that, taking the information in as it is and not allowing himself the opportunity to pick it all apart. More important than what he thinks, is what Yuya does. He loves Gongenzaka. Most likely, he's forgiven him. ]

What about the other way around? For Bonbon? What he feels...

[What Gongenzaka feels... it's really the part that still hurts between them. His shoulder's sink and his head drops, gaze steady on the floor.]

He won't say it, that he sees a monster in himself that he has to control. That's why he's so--so obsessed with it. That's why he obeys every rule to the letter and he spends all his time training and talks about responsibility like it's the only thing there is. Because he hasn't... even if I forgive him, he won't forgive himself.

[Yuya tilts his head, glancing over his shoulder.] It was my fault. We were kids and they told me about how dangerous it could be. I knew, I always agreed, and I ignored it and put myself in danger because of him. It's all my fault he's like that now, and I can't fix it. I can't make him happy like he was before.

[He can't give Gongenzaka that confidence in himself. That self-worth. He's so amazing, and Yuya tore him down being so selfish and that will always be the part that hurts the worst.]

[ How many years has it been? He wants to ask, but he won't. The feeling of wanting to be friends with somebody, the feeling of loving somebody, the knowledge that you're a monster and will only hurt them, and so the best thing to do is to stay away. Those are things he understands; weren't they the same sorts of things he was talking about earlier? But Gon did the opposite of what Kano does, taking full responsibility and becoming steadfast in everything that he does, in fear that even a single slip would cause pain to everybody around him. Not like Kano who gave up on morals because he's going to hurt people anyways, he'd already convinced himself of it. ]

It's hard to forgive yourself, when you hurt the people you love most. Even- [ Even his mother, he thinks, was crying the last time he saw her. She was screaming something he couldn't hear. He wants to believe it was his name, but he can't presume and it's only foolish hope in the end. ]

...forgiving other people is easy. Forgiving yourself is hard. And with that sort of personality... hmm... [ He lets out a breath, and reaches forward to pat Yuya on the head. ] But you're super stubborn! So I think you should keep trying to get through to him!

[There's a moment before Yuya puts his hand over Kano's, pulling it from his head just so he can hold it... at kind of an awkward angle, admittedly.]

I won't leave his side unless he gets rid of me. And I can't tell him my real feelings until I can make up for how much I hurt him. He deserves the best, you know.

[Even if it's not him. He deserves someone that makes him truly happy and safe, in himself and in them.]

[ Yuya's kind of like Maverick in that sense, and it makes the corners of Kano's lips lift just the slightest, as he pulls his hand down so Yuya can hold it more comfortably in his lap. ]

And he'll get it. Don't you leave his side even if he tries to get rid of you~ I couldn't shake you off, after all, so try double hard for him. As for hurting him... You really believe it's something you need to make up for?

I think... [Yuya looks down at their hands, his fingers curling gently.] I think I have to overcome it. If I took that happiness away, then I should be able to give it back. If I can't--then I shouldn't be in the way of someone who can.

[It's different for him, who's known Gon so long that he's seen the before and after, that he knows deeply the breaks in his stability that he caused. It's easier for him to see the pain Gongenzaka continues to go through, as much as Yuya hides the scars from him, too. They've never forgotten that night.]

Hm...

[ Kano looks away, eyes trailing around the empty walls of the room. ]

Something like happiness isn't provided by just one person, though, right? You give some of the happiness back, and I'll do my best to give him happiness too. Though I'm not sure he likes me at all!! But even that is fine, 'cause isn't that what friends are for?

[ And Gon has lots of friends. Yuya has lots of friends. Kano, somehow, has lots of friends. Everybody in the school is supposed to be together. ]

This isn't something you have to do all by yourself, after all.

Edited 2019-05-27 06:17 (UTC)

... Maybe. [Yuya looks up, staring at the ceiling.] No, I know--I want other people to make him happy. It doesn't have to just be me. No matter what, as long as he's happy I will be too.

[Or he'll make himself be, even if Gongenzaka loves someone else and Yuya will die with these feelings. That's fine. Yuya's always been by his side as a friend, and that won't change.]

I want everyone to have every bit of happiness we can get. I want to make memories worth something.

[ Here Kano is creating memories, except they're all terrible ones, even if they're memorable. That's probably not what Yuya means at all, trying to make every moment happy as possible, while Kano... well, he tries to be in the present, joking around and pulling people into as many little adventures as he can, but ultimately, his sights are set on a far off future where he can guarantee happiness instead of just the little moments.

He laces his fingers in between Yuya's while he's distracted, and reaches over with his other hand to pat Yuya on the head again. ]

Hey, hey, look at me real quick~ It's the same for you, so! I want you to be happy! What's something I can do to make you happy? And it can't be "I'm happy as long as you're happy," 'cause I've had that conversation before and it's very tiresome to have to repeat it!!

[He is going to make a static mess of Yuya's hair again, but he relents to it.

His expression twists a little before he half-turns to face Kano. His eyes are getting even redder than normal from all the crying.]

Candy. [But he cracks a wide smile.] Dumb conversations over the phone, exploring everything outside the school, playing games and inviting me over...

[All things Kano's already done for him. He doesn't feel like he needs to really come up with new ideas, because Kano manages that all on his own. He's already on the right track.] And I'm happy to have this, even if it's not the same kind of happiness--not having to be alone when we're not happy. Trust.

[Being friends, and all the good and bad that comes with it. He turns a little more, a little eagerness in his expression as he faces Kano.] What about you?

[ ...The terrible thing about being friends is the expectation of trust and honesty that comes with it, a give and take that he's not allowed to run away from. But it's a difficult question for Kano to answer, and he can't give an answer as immediate or specific as Yuya does.

What is happiness? A light heart, the feeling of safety, the belief that everything will work out, of looking forward to a future and seeing himself there. The closest thing to that... ]

Hmm... I'm going to cheat and say it's the same for me! Having you here, stubbornly not leaving me alone, that's a good thing! That sort of thing makes me happy.

Good, because then I don't have to stop. [Yuya gives Kano's hand a gentle squeeze.

And right now, it's as simple at that. Later, he'll have to think about how everyone else will feel about Kano and how he'll have to balance his forgiveness with their feelings. Because he confronted Kano before anyone else, so he'd know his answer... he hopes, selfishly, it won't be too different for the rest of them.]

[ It's too bad Kano's going to spend the entirety of June in his room fast asleep instead of going around apologizing to people. He gives Yuya's hand a tight squeeze before letting go and straightening up. ]

Alright!! I'm going to go run the bath and get changed, so you find something to wear too! There might be clothes in the dresser??

[ He does own clothes..... he just never wears it. Being friends with Kano means Yuya's terrible clothes are going to disappear one by one and he'll be forced to either go shopping for something reasonable or just wear something from Kano's wardrobe, which consists solely of black and black and black and black. ]

[Yuya thinks his clothes are fashionable and very reasonable.]

Uh--[Yuya blinks rapidly, straightening up suddenly.] You--really want me to spend the night? I talk in my sleep, so my nightmares aren't... quiet. I can take a spot on the floor!

[Since Kano has made a mega-bed, and Yuya's not going to kick him out of it.]

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