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... And if I really believed that, I wouldn't have made you let me in.

[His expression eases a little, and his fingers no longer dig into Kano's arms as they press against him.]

And if you really didn't care you wouldn't have any reason not to tell me. So it is really that you're afraid to give me a reason to leave instead of being the one to push my away?

[ Yuya's not only stupid, but he's a fool. The moment Yuya lets up, Kano wrenches his arms away so he can turn around and bury his face into his pillow, mumbled words that Yuya will just have to keep quiet and decipher. ]

I've given you tons of reasons to leave, but you're too blind to see 'em. Did you know, even Toki saw them.

So what makes this one any different? [Like, he knows, getting him and Nana murdered should be enough reason for him to have turned his back right then. Maybe if anger was the only thing he felt for Kano, but it couldn't be after everything.

He still doesn't get off, but when Kano turns his head away Yuya reaches to, instead, gently run his fingers through Kano's hair.]

Could you really listen to me for once, and not put the things you think I should be saying in my mouth? I've always been honest about it.

[ There's the startle again, when Yuya touches his hair, not expecting the contact, for one, and especially not one so gentle. It's enough to make Kano sit up, and give Yuya a brief, bewildered look, before he flops back down again and lets the pillow reclaim his face. ]

You're too honest, if you ask me. But I'm listening, I'm listening... I do listen, even though you're always too scared to speak your mind about this or that. I can tell, you know?

[It only lasts for a moment before Yuya draws his hands back and rests them against his legs.]

Guess we didn't do a good job sharing secrets. [He reaches to rub his eye, expression twisting wryly.]

It hurts, Kano. It... really does. All of that, it hurt so much. [He takes in a sharp breath, trying to keep his emotions steady.] And I'm upset but... but I don't want you to get rid of me because of it. Or run away. You don't--something like this isn't for no reason, and whether it was a failure or not... what you were thinking matters to me.

You don't have to be alone and just keep hurting yourself, or anyone else. You can talk to me, and I'm still here aren't I?

[ They really are terrible at it, not that Kano had any real intentions on letting anybody in too deep; that would be dangerous, for them and for him.

He knows it hurts, the way he draws people in, lets them run into a wall whenever they get too close, and then forces them out of his life. It hurts the same way when he's drawn in, and gets tossed aside as well. It hurts in a way it never did before, when he truly didn't care because there was nobody to care about, when he did everything all by himself because there was nobody else to reach out to. Everything was working out, back then. Being alone. Hurting. Trying, despite of all of that. Trying so hard, he's resorted in seeking out demons before his own fellow humans, his own friends. Because he doesn't do something like this for no reason.

He draws a breath and flips back over, letting his arm rest over his eyes so he doesn't have to see Yuya, and Yuya doesn't have to see him. ]

I can't. It's got to be me by myself, because I know the sort of person you are. You're a good person, Yuya. If I tell you my reasons and... my problems and stuff, you're going to want to help. And I can't let you do that.

Would it be that bad to let me help instead of doing something like this?

[He puts his hand to his chest, tracing his fingers absently over the scar through his shirt.] Do you really think it'd hurt me worse, being part of your problems instead of--of being a consequence of them?

Yeah, I do. If I told you I were going to summon a daemon, would you trust my intentions and help me? Or would you try and stop me?

[ Like Toki, who had always went along with Kano's schemes, and got hurt many times because of him. At least Toki got out. Yuya is still a stubborn fool, who led Yuya through fields and fire and through his lies, made him run away without him. ]

I guess it depends. [Yuya reaches for Kano's wrist, trying to gently pry his arm from his eyes.] Sometimes your ideas are terrible and I'm not always going to agree with them. Maybe this would have been one of them. Or maybe we would have thought of something else entirely because we were working together. We're both pretty weak when we're alone, aren't we?

[Yuya knows he is, knows he isn't very capable on his own. Kano suffered firsthand to it. If he could be stronger on his own, he would be, but until then... he knows he needs other people. Nana, Gongenzaka, Kano.]

[ Kano lets Yuya move his arm off his face, but doesn't let him see anything under them, eyes dry and narrowed, no eye contact as he's too busy staring at the ceiling off to the side of Yuya's head.

He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it, because that wouldn't help. He's weak when he's alone, he knows that. It's why he tries so hard to do what he can. It's why he made so many Contracts, tried to get a fourth... Why he did what he did. Because he's weak when he's alone, but what if he could get stronger without dragging anybody else into his problems? ]

No... If you go along with my ideas, you'll just get into trouble along with me. If we try to think of somebody else together... It won't be enough. You aren't prepared to take the same risks as I am. Make the same sacrifices. Either way you look at it, you shouldn't get involved.

[Yuya purses his lips.] Do you really think everything you come up with is the best? You think you couldn't do better? Do you...

[He bites his lip, trembling with a new wave of hurt. That's so--so arrogant.]

So was it worth it? [Yuya draws his hand up slowly, firmly tracing the scar under his shirt.] Sacrificing me. And Nana, and Akechi, and Miss Rivera. Was it worth sacrificing us?

[ He flinches inwardly, doing his best not to let it show on his face. ]

No, I told you—- You weren't supposed to have died! Nobody was supposed to have died- do you think I would've sacrificed the people I cared about most when there's people I don't give a crap about? It was me- it was supposed to have been me!

[ Just him. He was supposed to die. He was supposed to-- It doesn't matter. What matters is that he went out of his way to the basement of the theater where nobody ever is, that out of so many people on campus that could have been hurt, the fact that his closest friends— not even friends, he doesn't deserve to think of them that way- the fact that they were the ones to get hurt, there was no way it was on purpose. Everybody else, he wouldn't have cared as much. It's a selfish thought, mean and ugly, but he wouldn't have cared. He's barely clinging onto friends and family at this point; nobody else matters. ]

Yeah, but it wasn't. [Yuya pokes Kano's nose with his index finger.] So all those plans you keep to yourself aren't as great as you're saying they are, right? Even if you won't accept help, don't act like you're doing anything noble by taking it all on yourself because it didn't do anything good at all. And anyway...

[Yuya pauses, before moving his hand to instead brush his finger under Kano's eye like he's going to wipe it clean. He can't see through his illusion, so he doesn't know for sure. But after seeing Shuuya, seeing his 'mother', after all of that Yuya thinks he must be crying underneath it.]

I don't want you to be a person who destroys yourself and others like that. Even if you don't care about them... someone does, someone's always going to suffer.

[ Yuya's finger comes back wet, and Kano hisses out a low, shuddering breath before he pushes away from Yuya and hops off the bed— thinks twice about going outside where all the guards are, and instead wraps his arms around himself and paces the tiny floor space irritably. ]

People are always going to suffer, [ he mumbles, more to himself than to Yuya. ] It's a matter of when, and how. I wanted... I'm going to do something about it. That's why I did it.

[Yuya sits back, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms around them.]

Yeah, they are. Lots of things hurt, not even just demons. [He tips his head.] So what did you think you were going to do about it? Did you... think you could trade yourself to a demon for our safety or something?

Edited 2019-05-26 04:59 (UTC)

[ His room is too empty, there's nothing to stare at or to distract himself with, Kano's forced to pick his lizard up to hold even though she's not as soft and pettable as a cat, it's still something to do. So he doesn't have to look at Yuya. ]

Something like that.

[Yuya stares at Kano quietly for a moment.]

... Well, I can tell you now that's not what any of us want. If you do something like this for our sake without talking to us, of course all you're going to do is make it hurt. And if it's just for your sake... then I want you to talk to me, or someone, because there's no good reason you need to be a sacrifice, either.

[ That sort of thing doesn't matter when the end justifies the means, and Kano's just. Tired. Of waiting for the end. ]

If I talk to somebody, of course they'll stop me. I just want to be useful for once in my life, Yuya.

Of course we'll stop you. [Yuya's lips twitch up briefly.] Because your plan sucks. I want to be useful, too. I want to be worth even a little bit of what my friends give me... but I also know I mess up a lot when I try. I hurt the people I care about, too. Even if we mean well, it doesn't make it okay, right?

[He looks down, scooting to the edge of the bed and hanging his legs off the edge.] This is going to sound bad, but when I met you... it was kind of a relief that there was someone else who wasn't all that good either. I mean, I didn't feel like I wasn't good enough to be your friend. And you had other friends, too, so it wasn't just--there's no way there's not a place for us if so many people already believe in us being here, is there?

[ Kano narrows his eyes a little. ]

I didn't have other friends?

[ Not a single one. The first real confirmation he got was with Maverick, while the other boy was completely intoxicated. Talks about friendship with Yuya, too, happened flippantly, way later. His friendship with Toki might have always been one-sided, from the start. ]

And I don't plan to stay here. The only reason I'm here is to be kept under watch, after all. I'm not here to play the hero, like you are.

You have Nana. And Maverick, right? Akechi? [Probably others? But he knows at least Nana.] And I didn't mean a place fighting Nightfall. I meant just--any place. To exist, and be wanted. Happy.

[He digs his fingers into the mattress, looking up at the ceiling.] I don't want to see anyone hurt, but I told you before... my first priority is my friends. My family. When Nightfall comes, I'm going to give everything to protect them. To give them the chance to still have a life without being so afraid. Make them happy--you, too. That's all I really care about. Preserving my little world, this is just the best place to learn how.

[Besides that, he doesn't really care. His grades aren't spectacular, he's hardly focused on the noble, protective image of the school. He just wants to keep those precious to him as close and safe as he can. He's just also not a person who can blithely hurt others just because he doesn't know them. Not unless it's necessary, because he knows he'd be disappointing them.]

You're part of it, too. It hurts to lose you because of how much you mean to me.

[ It's the same with Kano, doing what he does in order to preserve his own, dwindling world. The difference is, Yuya looks forward to learning more and becoming stronger, while Kano feels pushed to the point where he just wants it to end. That's why he did what he did- why he does what he does- giving everything he can to protect his friends and the only thing he has left is his life.

If his pact with Saeru had worked, he was sure everybody would be safe and happy, that there would be no Nightfall, that the nightmare would end and that he could let go, knowing everything will be okay for everybody else. He never wanted to be part of it. ]

...This is why I didn't want friends. I'm going to lose people, and it's going to hurt. If we weren't friends, you wouldn't hurt so much. It's not too late to stop.

No, I think it is. [He tugs his shirt briefly.] Because I'd lose an important friend no matter what. I'd lose Kano who I feel comfortable around. Who plays stupid games with me and stays there when I start crying. And takes on too much by himself, but it's from the same place it comes from with me so I... I understand it. And he makes me happy, and I know it's going to hurt but I'm not afraid because that happiness will come with it again. And it's worth it.

[ Another reason they shouldn't be friends, Kano thinks, burying his face into Nightmare's scaly back, is that the Kano Yuya is comfortable around, who plays stupid games and makes him happy, that entire persona is fabricated, in the end, an act that takes so much effort and is exhausting and he keeps it up because he's a fool who just wants people to have a good time and be happy. The real him is the person Yuya saw- Shuuya who would cry at a drop of a hat, who would worry himself sick over whether somebody is angry at him, who had to grow up and be self-sufficient and rely on nobody else because there was nobody for him to trust-- that's the real him, weak and a crybaby and a screwup and Yuya's seen more of that from Kano than anybody else in the entire school, his entire life.

And still, he says that Kano is worth is.

He bows his head, and draws a breath. ]

...I'm sorry that I wouldn't tell you anything, and that I got you killed because of it. ...Twice.

[Yuya closes his eyes, reaching to wipe his eyes again but stopping short and just... deciding not to. It's fine, whatever, he cries all the time as he can hop off the bed without problem even if his vision is kind of blurry.

His feet hit the ground and then he walks up to Kano, reaching to rest his hands gently on his shoulders. Not even gripping them, so much as just laying there.]

Please... take off your illusion, Kano. [He still wants to see the face he's hiding under there. There's probably more of Kano etched on it that he even remembers.]

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