suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

[It's not what he means, and now they're at a standstill. Yuya ducks his his to buy himself time, wiping his face.]

I... [He looks down at his hands as he draws them back.] I'm sorry.

[That he can't bring himself to play the game right now, and yet it's hard to be harsh to Kano in an attempt to pry out all his pain and secrets, like it'll really help. He's never helped anyone like that, not even Gongenzaka. What makes him think he can do so now?

He looks up slowly, his expression cracking with a small smile.] Wouldn't the coolest think be a dragon?

[ The apology twists at him, unexpected and uncomfortable— undeserved, probably, though he's not sure what Yuya is even apologizing for. But the smile settles his nerves again, and he's reminded of why he likes Yuya so much. Because he's always backed off and played along, he lets Kano lead the conversation and set the pace and take it wherever he wants. Which is far away from anything serious. ]

Haha, no way, no way! Something flashy like a dragon, how could that be any fun?

You don't think being like Odd-Eyes would be fun? [He grins, stressed in a way that almost seems to be ripping his face with how he forces it up.

What was he thinking, "I'll make Kano happier", "I'll make existing worth it to him". Like he could really do that much to make him smile, but he wants to. Even without saying it, suddenly it seems silly when there are people who it would mean more from. Like Nana, like Ellie.]

[ Yuya really is bad at that, fake smiles that come so naturally to Kano that Yuya really shouldn't have to do anything special to bring a smile to his face. ]

Pft— no way! If I were Odd-Eyes, I'd have to play babysitter all the time, right?

[ Taking care of Yuya, which wouldn't be too bad, but also catching numbskulls who fall off the rooftops and that sounds like a pain. ]

[He doesn't want to fake it, doesn't want to hold the veneer between them when that conversation, when Shuuya still sits in the back of his thoughts.]

You think he's my babysitter? [Normally he'd wear mock offense, but his expression hardly shifts.]

[ Hmm, yeah, he was like that when he was a kid too. Shuuya would smile that same bland smile, nothing that ever reached his eyes, because he didn't know any better. Kano, at least, grew up to be a better actor. ]

Am I wrong~?

[Yuya's shoulders sink. He opens his eyes to look at Kano, his gaze level and still wet with masked pain.]

I guess I make a lot of trouble. [He says it duly.] Just like you.

[ Hmm, no, he doesn't like the conversation being turned back upon him, though a light jab like this one he can weather for a bit, leaning to nudge his shoulder against Yuya's. ]

Hey, now! It's not "just," you know? I'd like to think I make a lot more trouble than you do! I put a lot of effort into that sorta stuff, you know?

[ Being a disaster takes a lot of time and effort, and it's tiring!! But he does it for a reason, one he won't ever disclose, but there's some difference between always messing up no matter how hard he tried as a kid, and always messing around and not trying hard at all when he'd grown up. There's a difference. ]

I noticed. [Yuya ducks his head as Kano nudges his shoulder. And he doesn't have any retort of a moment, before he peeks up at Kano.]

Even then... I'm glad that Kano lived, and that I got to meet you.

[Despite the shyness, Yuya's gaze is fixed to Kano. He made Shuuya cry saying a thing like that. He wonders what it means to Kano.]

[ He takes it badly, with as much disbelief as he did that earlier apology, echoes of the same words said to Shuuya once upon a time and he had cried. Kano, at least, has the ability to hide whatever tears threaten to breach, and can fabricate whatever expression he wants, speak in whatever voice he wants.

He can cast his eyes to the corner of the room and rub at the back of his head in feigned embarrassment, even as his chest burns and tightens and squeezes. ]

Is that so? Hmm, you're sure putting me on the spot here, Yu~ya! But I'm glad I met you too~

[ And he really is. He's just also not saying anything about the living thing. ]

Is that a bad thing? [A little attention, that someone's invested in him the same way. And Yuya cared, so much when he was gone. Kano couldn't just leave without there being traces behind.] I just...

[ He likes it when Yuya plays along, but he hates it when Yuya asks earnest questions like this, ones that invite earnest in return and Kano does not do earnest. It's a hole he dug himself, where saying what's on his mind isn't what he wants other people to hear, and if he says what he thinks other people want to hear, it all comes out sounding like a lie. ]

It's not a bad thing, but... Hmm, how to say this? It's unexpected?

[Unexpected. Well, it's not something people usually just go around saying, it's true.

Yuya blinks rapidly as he lifts his head, and then straightens up further as he leans in.]

Did you think nobody would miss you if you were gone?

[ That's right, nobody says it and that's why it's weird!! It's something you say to somebody who almost died or meant to die and this isn't— he doesn't think of it the same thing, a disappearance he wasn't even aware of and didn't get to enjoy the peace and quiet of oblivion.

It wouldn't be the first time he disappeared, anyways. He does that a lot- just gets up out of bed in the middle of the night and takes a walk- and nobody used to care. There was that brief stent back at the beginning of the month where he'd pulled himself away from all things to cool his head after almost murdering Toki, but Imelda had hunted him down and he got chewed out by Ellie when he came back to their room, and rather than missing him, they were angry. He couldn't really understand it then, either. ]

Hmm, well, that's also difficult! If I'm missed, it wouldn't be for very long. You've all got so much bigger things to worry about, after all!

[Maybe if he connected the dots that they were angry because they missed him.

It isn't that Kano thinks so little of himself that he suspects they could move on that quickly. But there's, strangely, a little bit of hope that surprises him instead, to have Kano admit to even that much, that way.

Yuya bites his lip, bringing a hand up until it hovers limply in the air closer to himself like he doesn't know what to do with it.]

No way. [His head tips sideways, and he hurts so much for what Kano's had to live through that he can call Ellie his sun and still insist that he wouldn't be missed for long.]

You're my friend, so you being gone was the biggest thing on my mind all month. I missed you, Kano.

[ Ellie is his sun, but the same can't be said for the other way around, and nor does he ever think anybody else holds him with that much consideration. At best, he's entertainment, like a short commercial with a catchy tune that gets stuck in your head in between tv shows. He's selling a product, acting with a purpose, but he's not meant to be remembered.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Making friends was a mistake. ]

That's no good... Hey! I'm curious about something, Yu~ya, maybe you can answer it for me! If I had gone forever, if I had died or something for real, you would dwell on it? For how long? Give me your best estimate!

Forever. [His lips quirk slightly into a smile, because it sounds dramatic but also it's probably true. When would he have stopped thinking about Kano, the things he lost with him and how he failed to do anything to prevent it? He doesn't know. His friends have always been few and precious, and he clings to them selfishly.

He looks away shyly, rubbing his arm.] You're important to me. Not just me, but Nana and Toki and Ellie. I really don't want you to go. I don't want you to want to go, because I... I want to make you happy to exist, too.

[ A mistake, the wrong thing to say. The last thing he would want is to weigh on people's minds forever, a burden in life as well as in death. He can feel his chest burning with Yuya's words, but he can't tell if it's shame or guilt or anger or happiness or embarrassment— it's probably a combination of all sorts of warm, uncomfortable feelings, all of which he swallows down and shoves aside before he loses himself and snaps at Yuya for putting words into people's mouths and making this a bigger problem than it is. He's not supposed to be important.

He's not supposed to be missed. He wasn't supposed to have existed this long. Those were all things he clung to and believed and let control every action and thought and word.

It's too bad, he wants to say. He can't explain anything, but what he can do is tell Yuya what he wants to hear, he can smile and make Yuya smile and that would put things right away. ]

Silly, I'm not going anywhere~ I'm happy here, you know? Every day is a lot of fun!

[Yuya puffs his cheeks.] It's not silly when you did it once!

[Yuya doesn't want to have to worry that Kano will take the next opportunity to disappear. But it's going to be there now, always, asking Yuya if he's doing enough to save his life.]

[ Kano's died like five or six times in canon alone and all of them were suicide runs, so it really isn't Yuya's fault, there's nothing anybody can do. It's not even like Kano has active plans to off himself, but if it happens... he has to wonder if he wouldn't invite the excuse, like he did with Wist. ]

It's silly because I'm back now!! So you can stop thinking about me, now!!!

That doesn't make any sense! [Yuya looks back up at him.] We're friends, so I'm going to think about you no matter what!

[ He has to bite at his cheek to stop himself before he says something stupid like "Then we're not friends anymore!!!" because that's childish and he thinks Yuya will cry or maybe he will cry. ]

Ehh~ Can't you think happier thoughts about me? Like, if someday I disappear, just think to yourself that I'm taking a long nap, or maybe I'm vacationing out in the Himalayas, or maybe I've been adopted into a tribe of wild boars!!

[Yuya would absolutely cry.

That also doesn'tsolve that Yuya doesn't want Kano to disappear at all, but just asking and not offering anything is selfish and maybe he should have just told Nana everything and let her handle it, because she's so much better with people. Better at making them smile.]

I think happy thoughts about you here are better than making things up about why you're gone.

[ If Yuya snitches on him to Nana, Kano would be upset for different reasons. For whatever reason, talking about this with Yuya is more fine than having a conversation about not existing with Nana, even if he doesn't want this conversation either. Isn't he smiling right now? He makes sure he smiles all the time, whenever he notices people are around, so they wouldn't have to worry about little things like this. ]

There's no reason it can't be both, right? Happy thoughts when I'm here, but— how do you know Wist didn't actually send me to the Himalayas? It could have happened! You don't know, and that's the beauty of not knowing, isn't it? You get to make things up, and nobody can say you're wrong~

It... doesn't work that way.

[Yuya's expression slips as he looks down, brow knit.] When you don't know what happened, you never get an answer to stop asking yourself why. You can't be wrong, but you can't be right either.

[He knows, because not knowing has haunted hours family about his father for years. He shouldn't envy that Kano has closure for his mother, but... he'd give a lot just to know.

Though the part that hurts him most with Kano is knowing that he asked for it.]

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