suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

I noticed. [Yuya ducks his head as Kano nudges his shoulder. And he doesn't have any retort of a moment, before he peeks up at Kano.]

Even then... I'm glad that Kano lived, and that I got to meet you.

[Despite the shyness, Yuya's gaze is fixed to Kano. He made Shuuya cry saying a thing like that. He wonders what it means to Kano.]

[ He takes it badly, with as much disbelief as he did that earlier apology, echoes of the same words said to Shuuya once upon a time and he had cried. Kano, at least, has the ability to hide whatever tears threaten to breach, and can fabricate whatever expression he wants, speak in whatever voice he wants.

He can cast his eyes to the corner of the room and rub at the back of his head in feigned embarrassment, even as his chest burns and tightens and squeezes. ]

Is that so? Hmm, you're sure putting me on the spot here, Yu~ya! But I'm glad I met you too~

[ And he really is. He's just also not saying anything about the living thing. ]

Is that a bad thing? [A little attention, that someone's invested in him the same way. And Yuya cared, so much when he was gone. Kano couldn't just leave without there being traces behind.] I just...

[ He likes it when Yuya plays along, but he hates it when Yuya asks earnest questions like this, ones that invite earnest in return and Kano does not do earnest. It's a hole he dug himself, where saying what's on his mind isn't what he wants other people to hear, and if he says what he thinks other people want to hear, it all comes out sounding like a lie. ]

It's not a bad thing, but... Hmm, how to say this? It's unexpected?

[Unexpected. Well, it's not something people usually just go around saying, it's true.

Yuya blinks rapidly as he lifts his head, and then straightens up further as he leans in.]

Did you think nobody would miss you if you were gone?

[ That's right, nobody says it and that's why it's weird!! It's something you say to somebody who almost died or meant to die and this isn't— he doesn't think of it the same thing, a disappearance he wasn't even aware of and didn't get to enjoy the peace and quiet of oblivion.

It wouldn't be the first time he disappeared, anyways. He does that a lot- just gets up out of bed in the middle of the night and takes a walk- and nobody used to care. There was that brief stent back at the beginning of the month where he'd pulled himself away from all things to cool his head after almost murdering Toki, but Imelda had hunted him down and he got chewed out by Ellie when he came back to their room, and rather than missing him, they were angry. He couldn't really understand it then, either. ]

Hmm, well, that's also difficult! If I'm missed, it wouldn't be for very long. You've all got so much bigger things to worry about, after all!

[Maybe if he connected the dots that they were angry because they missed him.

It isn't that Kano thinks so little of himself that he suspects they could move on that quickly. But there's, strangely, a little bit of hope that surprises him instead, to have Kano admit to even that much, that way.

Yuya bites his lip, bringing a hand up until it hovers limply in the air closer to himself like he doesn't know what to do with it.]

No way. [His head tips sideways, and he hurts so much for what Kano's had to live through that he can call Ellie his sun and still insist that he wouldn't be missed for long.]

You're my friend, so you being gone was the biggest thing on my mind all month. I missed you, Kano.

[ Ellie is his sun, but the same can't be said for the other way around, and nor does he ever think anybody else holds him with that much consideration. At best, he's entertainment, like a short commercial with a catchy tune that gets stuck in your head in between tv shows. He's selling a product, acting with a purpose, but he's not meant to be remembered.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Making friends was a mistake. ]

That's no good... Hey! I'm curious about something, Yu~ya, maybe you can answer it for me! If I had gone forever, if I had died or something for real, you would dwell on it? For how long? Give me your best estimate!

Forever. [His lips quirk slightly into a smile, because it sounds dramatic but also it's probably true. When would he have stopped thinking about Kano, the things he lost with him and how he failed to do anything to prevent it? He doesn't know. His friends have always been few and precious, and he clings to them selfishly.

He looks away shyly, rubbing his arm.] You're important to me. Not just me, but Nana and Toki and Ellie. I really don't want you to go. I don't want you to want to go, because I... I want to make you happy to exist, too.

[ A mistake, the wrong thing to say. The last thing he would want is to weigh on people's minds forever, a burden in life as well as in death. He can feel his chest burning with Yuya's words, but he can't tell if it's shame or guilt or anger or happiness or embarrassment— it's probably a combination of all sorts of warm, uncomfortable feelings, all of which he swallows down and shoves aside before he loses himself and snaps at Yuya for putting words into people's mouths and making this a bigger problem than it is. He's not supposed to be important.

He's not supposed to be missed. He wasn't supposed to have existed this long. Those were all things he clung to and believed and let control every action and thought and word.

It's too bad, he wants to say. He can't explain anything, but what he can do is tell Yuya what he wants to hear, he can smile and make Yuya smile and that would put things right away. ]

Silly, I'm not going anywhere~ I'm happy here, you know? Every day is a lot of fun!

[Yuya puffs his cheeks.] It's not silly when you did it once!

[Yuya doesn't want to have to worry that Kano will take the next opportunity to disappear. But it's going to be there now, always, asking Yuya if he's doing enough to save his life.]

[ Kano's died like five or six times in canon alone and all of them were suicide runs, so it really isn't Yuya's fault, there's nothing anybody can do. It's not even like Kano has active plans to off himself, but if it happens... he has to wonder if he wouldn't invite the excuse, like he did with Wist. ]

It's silly because I'm back now!! So you can stop thinking about me, now!!!

That doesn't make any sense! [Yuya looks back up at him.] We're friends, so I'm going to think about you no matter what!

[ He has to bite at his cheek to stop himself before he says something stupid like "Then we're not friends anymore!!!" because that's childish and he thinks Yuya will cry or maybe he will cry. ]

Ehh~ Can't you think happier thoughts about me? Like, if someday I disappear, just think to yourself that I'm taking a long nap, or maybe I'm vacationing out in the Himalayas, or maybe I've been adopted into a tribe of wild boars!!

[Yuya would absolutely cry.

That also doesn'tsolve that Yuya doesn't want Kano to disappear at all, but just asking and not offering anything is selfish and maybe he should have just told Nana everything and let her handle it, because she's so much better with people. Better at making them smile.]

I think happy thoughts about you here are better than making things up about why you're gone.

[ If Yuya snitches on him to Nana, Kano would be upset for different reasons. For whatever reason, talking about this with Yuya is more fine than having a conversation about not existing with Nana, even if he doesn't want this conversation either. Isn't he smiling right now? He makes sure he smiles all the time, whenever he notices people are around, so they wouldn't have to worry about little things like this. ]

There's no reason it can't be both, right? Happy thoughts when I'm here, but— how do you know Wist didn't actually send me to the Himalayas? It could have happened! You don't know, and that's the beauty of not knowing, isn't it? You get to make things up, and nobody can say you're wrong~

It... doesn't work that way.

[Yuya's expression slips as he looks down, brow knit.] When you don't know what happened, you never get an answer to stop asking yourself why. You can't be wrong, but you can't be right either.

[He knows, because not knowing has haunted hours family about his father for years. He shouldn't envy that Kano has closure for his mother, but... he'd give a lot just to know.

Though the part that hurts him most with Kano is knowing that he asked for it.]

[ There's people who take comfort in the unknown, and those who agonize over it. Unfortunately, there are so many things in life that are just that: you just don't know. You don't know how things are going to turn out, you don't know what's going to happen, or how, or why, or when, or anything of the sort, but you hope for the best anyways. You pretend, because that's all you can do to keep from going stir crazy and drowning in those thoughts.

He reaches over and pats Yuya on the head— a distraction more than comfort, something to buy him time, shift the attention away. ]

Chin up, Yu~ya! Let's try being more positive about things! Not knowing what's what, means that the best possible outcome is still a possibility, right?

[It becomes hard to cling to that after five, six, seven years. Yuya shudders briefly before he looks up at the hand on his head.

It isn't comforting at all, but Yuya offers a slight smile regardless.] Maybe if it gets confirmed.

[He leans back slightly, back to the wall. For agreeing to be secret keepers, they're both reluctant to actually get into it. But Yuya thinks he shouldn't bring up bad thoughts if what he wants is to make Kano happier.]

Hey, you want to do something fun?

[ No, see, they're great secret keepers. So long as both of them refuse to share any secrets, none of them will ever get leaked.

Here's another secret Kano keeps to himself: he would really honestly just like to go back to sleep right now, after doing nothing for a month. Wist had told him to take a nap, and it felt like the best rested nap he's ever had in his life-- until all these memories come slamming back and he feels like he needs the time to sort through them a bit, try to tease out the warm ones from the ones drenched in cold sweat. ]

Something fun... Actually, yes! There's something I would like to get done, and I think it would be fun if we did it together~

Something you want to get done? [Yuya wasn't thinking with so much purpose. He tilts his head.] What is it?

[ There always has to be a purpose, so as far as Kano's concerned, otherwise they'd be stuck in a cycle of "Do you want to do something fun?" "Yeah, what do you want to do?" "What do you want to do?" "What do YOU want to do??" and he might as well make it a productive time for himself in the first place. Fun is kind of like friendship: a great excuse to get people to do things.

He spreads his arms wide, standing in the center of the room. ]

We're going to remodel!! See, somebody moved all the furniture around when I was gone, so I thought it'd be a pain to have to do it all by myself!

[ The furniture, as they stand at the moment, look exactly where they're supposed to be, mirrored room by room in the same layout as all the other bedrooms in the dorm. But that's not how he originally re-arranged the desks and chest of drawers and all that himself, and he wants things back to how they were. ]

Remodel? [Yuya looks around. It's really just the standard furniture, isn't it?

Well, at least that wasn't him and Toki's fault.] Where did you want to move things?

It goes like this!

[ Again, his hands flash out, and he casts the illusion about the room where he would like everything to be— beds shoved together to create one large mattress, desk pulled out slightly, dresser awkwardly shoved in the corner, etc etc. If only moving things in reality were that easy, but his illusions will always ever be fake. ]

Oh, I see. You want a really big bed. [He smirks.] I guess without a roommate you have them all to yourself, right?

[He glances back, making sure the door is closed before he steps properly into the room and looks over one of the beds.] But we should probably move the other stuff first.

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