suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

[Be a good way to discover that he's wasting his magic all in one go, but alas, that will have to be for another time. Ignorance is bliss.]

I don't fucking care. [Well, okay. He cares a little. He cares a whole lot. Shut up.] I just got used to the idea of maybe not being on the same floor as you! What the fucking hell, man.

[Ugh, he's so fucking stupid, thinking Kano wanted to reconnect, or some shit... Damn it.]

[ There was always that half-built treehouse to connect in, there was Kano's room, there were his mountain hideouts, his safehouses all around the town and underneath the ground. He has no lack of safe places, places to be alone in, places with enough space to allow one more person into. Instead, he chose Canada, where Ellie is- where his only lasting family is- and here he is talking about never going back to school.

He thought it was obvious, that Maverick accepted it, and was helping him run away. ]

...I'd be kinda lonely, Mav. Were you thinking of moving back in with Ramona? Or are you and Akechi moving out together?

[He tries to look away again, but that means look at some wrinkled old snore, and that's no good, either. You said it'd be a day trip, the sensible, punchy part of him wants to object, but unfortunately that Mav has to take a backseat as he's forced to think about the proposed questions.

He doesn't have any fucking clue. He knows the assumption is that he'll go home -- he still thinks of it as home -- but...to what? Be that loser living with his parent twenty years after he should've moved out? Bouncing between part time jobs? Never being anyone worthwhile? And then there's Akechi...

Akechi talked a lot about hating where he came from, hating the person it made him and hating who it wanted him to pretend to be. Even before they'd been a couple, Mav had been urging him to look into different ways he could stay abroad, after their usefulness to the academy was up. He'd even offered him a spot in his home. They would be living together then, they're living together now... Why does the idea of moving out together with him feel so strange?

His stomach drops. He hasn't even gotten to talk about the start of all that with his friend, but here he is, contemplating the end goal, and the end of many other things. Even if he chooses to believe this is an invitation to stay with Kano, starting a new life in Canada...]

You wanna actually talk about real shit, for once?

[ At least Maverick has somebody to go back to. At least he has somebody to go with. After his mother had died, Kano had no other connection to the world, could so easily have been severed from it and absolutely nobody would miss him— his mother had made sure of that, not allowing him to talk to anybody, not allowing him to make friends or go to school, keeping him close and he- a fool- wanted so badly to be close to her. Without her, all he had, coming into this school, was Ellie. And he'd spent the last three years of his life setting things up and making preparations for her sake. From the hideouts, to the food, to the books, to the Contract, it was for her. And now he's giving up and running away because he- because he failed and he just. He can't. Doesn't want to talk or think about any of that, how much of himself he's poured into things and how much he's giving up and how much he's wasted and won't ever get back and how much he's ruined and made worse for his efforts.

He wants to be with Ellie. Maverick asked Kano to need him. It feels too selfish to ask, or to want.

He doesn't want to talk about real shit at all, he never does. ]

Alright.

[ But he's stuck here for seven more hours, isn't he? And Mav... he can't make cry again. ]

What do you want to talk about?

[He doesn't, suddenly. He'd rather let them lull into a quiet, even if he'd felt like he was pulling teeth to get Kano to even acknowledge him before. Maverick tucks the magazine away again, then sinks low in his seat so he can watch the plane's ceiling. As if he can see all the different clouds they're passing by that way.]

...You should text whoever it was we were supposed to meet. It's shitty to make them sit around without a clue. It sucks, right?

[Here they were, sitting around without a clue. It certainly sucks from where he's sitting.]

[ It's a request that takes him by surprise, Tsubomi sitting up straighter as Maverick slouches in his seat. The person they were supposed to meet... ]

I kinda wanted to surprise her, though? I think she'd be really happy to see you again too!

[ They were going to Canada to surprise Ellie at school, or something, that was Kano's unvoiced plan. ]

[His brows furrow, but then he sees where the logic train went.]

No. I mean the bike guy. You didn't do it yet, did you? Yeah fucking right, though, you're hilarious.

Ahh, bike guy! What time- ...what day is it...?

[ What time is... time. It's been a blur, ever since Maverick called him out, and there must have been a good chunk of time where it felt like his brain was submerged in ice cold water because he was in the forest one moment and the next he's sitting in an airplane counting the number of times the kid in the seat behind him keeps kicking the back.

Did he have anything else planned for the day after? Were there any more promises he was breaking? Should he even care when he meant to run away and ditch everything all along? Ahh, he blew off Yuya too. Yikes, the guilt's settling in now, despite himself. ]

Mm, favor number three!! Can you text Kanata and tell him you're kidnapping me and I can't make it? It'll sound more valid coming from you! Say I'm really really sorry!!!

[siiiigh. So now that he was Tsubomi...]

I don't know if I feel better or worse when you're pretending to give a shit.

[But yeah, he'll dig his phone back out... This favor, he can do.]

Hehe, you're the best, Mav!

[ Tsubomi sits back and slouches in the same way Mav was before, staring up at the ceiling of the cabin. The light glares down into her eyes, seatbelt sign off, no smoking sign on.

And then, the ceiling disappears from sight, open sky all around them as if the entire airplane were made of glass. Nobody else around them reacts at all; this illusion is just for the two of them. ]

Would you rather I pretend to give a shit, or pretend not to?

[Yep... He definitely is the best, taking Kano to Canada and giving him ample opportunity to run away from his problems, instead of making him feel safe and steady enough to actually deal with things. Because he's a stupid idiot fool that put more weight in "best" than he should, he supposes. He's the best. He's his best friend. What he is is the best place for a handout.

The ceiling vanishing makes his breath catch for a moment, but the panic settles down into unease and interest. It was pretty as much as it was unnatural.]

I think... [Hm.] I think I don't want you to pretend. How does anything I fucking do help if I can't even know you? I'm fucking trying...

[ "I don't want you to pretend," he says, sitting next to a Kano who is more comfortable being a whole other person than himself, because "Tsubomi" is always all smiles, bubbly and practical and an all-around better person than "Kano" is, why wouldn't he want to play pretend? Anything is better than... nothing. ]

Hehe... Everything you do, you try your best, and that's enough! I know that and I appreciate it. But you really shouldn't waste your efforts any more than that, 'cause there's nothing to know. There's nothing there, Mav. Can't I just be what people want me to be?

[If it's easier to talk while wearing a mask, it's not like Maverick is going to judge that. He's loud, and brash, and does things to stand out, but his actual desires in life are simple. He puts on a front of being the kind of guy you want to give space and not mess with, but he's happiest with people who are close enough to play with him, whether through teasing or childish wrestling. Wearing a mask isn't necessarily the same as pretending, in Mav's mind.]

...Nah. If all you wanted to be was what other people wanted, you wouldn't be so shit at making me believe it, because what I want is you. Means there's more fucking to it than that.

[ There's nothing more than that. Because there's nothing. Kano is nothing- he's always been nothing, there was nothing more to him than trying to meet expectations and failing, trying to be more than he is and hoping he gets something right, trying to...

Mm. The sky above their head darkens, a rainbow of sunset colors he's not sure Maverick can even fully see, pinks and oranges darkening into a dusty purple and then black, pintpoint stars in the sky that make no real constellation. ]

There's nothing more... The person you're friends with, all the things you like about him, they don't exist, you know? Not really.

[ He changes back to being himself, mostly bc I don't have appropriately serious Tsubomi icons, spotted hoodie he can pull over short hair and red eyes, pants caked with dry mud that flakes onto the seat as he pulls his knees close to his chest. ]

There is no "me." There's never been anything like that. You're friends with somebody who doesn't exist, Mav.

[It's a punch to his gut, but he's on a goddamn plane with a bunch of people, and he's not going to cry. He's not going to look at this pretty display of Kano's either. His eyes close and he takes a slow breath through his nose as he bites down on the inside of his cheek. God, he's so fucking tired of wanting to cry, this month.]

So who did I buy a damn ticket for? It fucking wasn't...nobody. It was someone whose heart was fucking hurting. Who got their feelings hurt this morning, if it wasn't you, you ass?

[ He laughs, a tired, humorless breath of air that warms the tops of his knees as he buries his face into them. ]

A dumbass who deserved it, wasn't it? He told me, way back in January, it was going to be like this...

[ Who cares if he got his feelings hurt? He clamped down on it immediately, shoved it off to the side so he wouldn't wallow in it- in his opinion, he handled it as well as he could. ]

So that's why I'm going to leave. It's better this way, isn't it? For everybody.

What a load of bullshit...

[It's a mutter, and he still doesn't open his eyes. For anyone who might look over, he may as well be talking in his sleep.]

I'm cashing in my IOU. You gotta come back with me. You fucking need to, because I don't fucking care what you think, that wouldn't be better for me, and I ain't gonna be able to convince you of that even if we take this whole fucking flight to talk about it. I want you there, and you owe me. So we're going back. You said it's a fucking day trip, we're fucking going back.

[ What a waste of an IOU? It's a waste of an IOU, and Kano grits his teeth until his jaw hurts, throat dry, very tempted to spend the entire flight arguing this point because Maverick is going to lose in the end. ]

I'll go back, but there's nothing stopping me from leaving again. That was the plan from the start, I was never going to stay. I hate that place. I don't want to be there.

[Let's be real: no matter how Maverick used it, it would have been a waste. At least now he sits up again, aching from the poor posture and the weight of his emotions trying to hold him down.

FUCK YOU, DAYBREAK!

He remembers that. He hadn't believed the sentiment back then, and he'd been more concerned with making sure the bat didn't knock the kid out on the rebound, but...he remembers that.]

Why?

[ Fuck Daybreak and everything it represents. Fuck the fact that such an institution is even necessary. Fuck the fact that he even came in the first place, when he could have stayed at the orphanage for the rest of his short life, milling away his days and wasting what time he had- at least he would be wasting that time with the one or two people he had left.

Who wants to be at Daybreak? The hopeful and the confident, people unlike him. The ones with strong morals and a sense of duty, people unlike him. For him, the school is a jail, a runaway train with broken brakes, it's a reminder that all these wonderful and talented students the school is training, all these people he'd grown to love and want to keep close... it's a suicide run. Everybody coming out of this alive is a fool's dream.

He can't fight. He can't contribute. He's a drain on resources and he pulls down everybody he comes in contact with.

What's the point?

He's silent, mulling these thoughts over. It's like overturning rocks in the barren garden that is his mind, thoughts he keeps buried and ignored because nobody good would come out of ruminating, he can only see himself spinning his wheels and running away. ]

...Because it's scary. It's too big. Too noisy. There's too many people. I never know what to do.

[Nowhere to run when they're up in the air, at least, and no harm done when it's something he's resolved to do anyway. Maybe that's why Maverick feels okay with asking him outright like that, and why it's okay to let Kano think his answer through.]

...Yeah.

[There was definitely that. It was why Maverick spent so much time in his room or huddled up with a book, if he wasn't diligently going from class to class like good students are supposed to do. Being in a school setting was unsettling enough, after his break from it, but...the fancy, loud, unpredictable, large... How the fucking hell was it so crowded when the place was as fucking large as it was? It's a mystery he doesn't really want to solve, because he doubts the answer would make him feel any better about it.

The other points he would have agreed with, too, but alas. He's working with what he's been given.]

You stopped coming by so much. You used to just...show up, and then for a while shit would just be...quiet. None of that shit going on outside mattered, it was just you and me. That's how it felt... I guess I dunno if it was the same for you. But then you stopped. Was it because it wasn't like that?

[ Scary, loud, and noisy, and all Kano could think to do is to be busy and boisterous right back; nobody could guess, looking at him, the fear he feels at the sight of another person, the pounding of his heart when he can't see everything all in one glance or when there's too much background noise masking opportunities or somebody or something to sneak up on him.

That's why Maverick's room was good. It wasn't like Kano's room, which was his own but one where anybody could knock on the door and expect him to be in there-- with Maverick's room, his space under the bed, he could just exist and be and nothing else mattered. It was a break, an escape that not even sleep could relieve him.

And then he stopped coming.

Because he was a fool.

He turns to Maverick and smiles, small and apologetic and awkward. ]

It's because you had friends. You have a boyfriend. Good people in your life, and you don't need to be holed up somewhere with somebody like me. You were happy. You don't need me. That's what I thought.

[ It's because he's a fool. And a liar, who can't tell Maverick the whole truth. ]

[He can't stop the grimace, or the way his nose wrinkles up, because wow, that sure is some bullshit. Sure, obviously Kano couldn't come when he was busy literally not existing, but his excuse for that was the same as the one he's giving Mav now, and it's just as much of a slap in the face. Still, that's what I thought. Past tense. He wants to believe that wasn't a deliberate choice just to trick him into feeling better...]

It ain't like that, though. No one's friendship mattered to me as much as yours...and fuck, I didn't even like princess until last month. And now shit keeps happening, and... It just ain't like that.

[And...]

I really...wanted to tell you. He doesn't want that shit getting out for, I dunno, publicity... It's fucking stupid, but I get it. Look at me. So I couldn't tell other people. But I wanted to tell you, and when you finally came by, it was that...weird note shit? So I couldn't tell you.

[ The grimace would've been the same, if Kano had told the whole truth; maybe the reaction would have been worse. He picks at a spot on his pants, underneath where he knows there should be a scab or something that needs peeling, and looks sideways at Maverick. ]

...I'm not going to make you choose between him and me. [ Because that's stupid? Because he would rather Maverick choose Akechi, who he'll be happy with, even if the thought makes him feel like crying. Stupid. ]

I'm happy for you, Mav. Really. It was your space, your life to begin with, I don't care...

[Sorry, kiddo. No more scab there. It's gone, along with the cuts, even though Mav didn't know a thing about it when he kissed Tsubomi's perfect little fingers.]

You're not making me choose because there's not a fucking choice to be made. He's fun, and beautiful, and he just... I dunno. But it isn't the same. You're my best fucking friend, cricket. You say you're happy for me, but if that were true, I wouldn't be so goddamn miserable trying to make you happy, too. Make you actually stay in my fucking life, where I want you, but you keep pushing me away and saying that's not what you want. How the fuck can I possibly fucking be happy with that?

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