suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

[ "I don't want you to pretend," he says, sitting next to a Kano who is more comfortable being a whole other person than himself, because "Tsubomi" is always all smiles, bubbly and practical and an all-around better person than "Kano" is, why wouldn't he want to play pretend? Anything is better than... nothing. ]

Hehe... Everything you do, you try your best, and that's enough! I know that and I appreciate it. But you really shouldn't waste your efforts any more than that, 'cause there's nothing to know. There's nothing there, Mav. Can't I just be what people want me to be?

[If it's easier to talk while wearing a mask, it's not like Maverick is going to judge that. He's loud, and brash, and does things to stand out, but his actual desires in life are simple. He puts on a front of being the kind of guy you want to give space and not mess with, but he's happiest with people who are close enough to play with him, whether through teasing or childish wrestling. Wearing a mask isn't necessarily the same as pretending, in Mav's mind.]

...Nah. If all you wanted to be was what other people wanted, you wouldn't be so shit at making me believe it, because what I want is you. Means there's more fucking to it than that.

[ There's nothing more than that. Because there's nothing. Kano is nothing- he's always been nothing, there was nothing more to him than trying to meet expectations and failing, trying to be more than he is and hoping he gets something right, trying to...

Mm. The sky above their head darkens, a rainbow of sunset colors he's not sure Maverick can even fully see, pinks and oranges darkening into a dusty purple and then black, pintpoint stars in the sky that make no real constellation. ]

There's nothing more... The person you're friends with, all the things you like about him, they don't exist, you know? Not really.

[ He changes back to being himself, mostly bc I don't have appropriately serious Tsubomi icons, spotted hoodie he can pull over short hair and red eyes, pants caked with dry mud that flakes onto the seat as he pulls his knees close to his chest. ]

There is no "me." There's never been anything like that. You're friends with somebody who doesn't exist, Mav.

[It's a punch to his gut, but he's on a goddamn plane with a bunch of people, and he's not going to cry. He's not going to look at this pretty display of Kano's either. His eyes close and he takes a slow breath through his nose as he bites down on the inside of his cheek. God, he's so fucking tired of wanting to cry, this month.]

So who did I buy a damn ticket for? It fucking wasn't...nobody. It was someone whose heart was fucking hurting. Who got their feelings hurt this morning, if it wasn't you, you ass?

[ He laughs, a tired, humorless breath of air that warms the tops of his knees as he buries his face into them. ]

A dumbass who deserved it, wasn't it? He told me, way back in January, it was going to be like this...

[ Who cares if he got his feelings hurt? He clamped down on it immediately, shoved it off to the side so he wouldn't wallow in it- in his opinion, he handled it as well as he could. ]

So that's why I'm going to leave. It's better this way, isn't it? For everybody.

What a load of bullshit...

[It's a mutter, and he still doesn't open his eyes. For anyone who might look over, he may as well be talking in his sleep.]

I'm cashing in my IOU. You gotta come back with me. You fucking need to, because I don't fucking care what you think, that wouldn't be better for me, and I ain't gonna be able to convince you of that even if we take this whole fucking flight to talk about it. I want you there, and you owe me. So we're going back. You said it's a fucking day trip, we're fucking going back.

[ What a waste of an IOU? It's a waste of an IOU, and Kano grits his teeth until his jaw hurts, throat dry, very tempted to spend the entire flight arguing this point because Maverick is going to lose in the end. ]

I'll go back, but there's nothing stopping me from leaving again. That was the plan from the start, I was never going to stay. I hate that place. I don't want to be there.

[Let's be real: no matter how Maverick used it, it would have been a waste. At least now he sits up again, aching from the poor posture and the weight of his emotions trying to hold him down.

FUCK YOU, DAYBREAK!

He remembers that. He hadn't believed the sentiment back then, and he'd been more concerned with making sure the bat didn't knock the kid out on the rebound, but...he remembers that.]

Why?

[ Fuck Daybreak and everything it represents. Fuck the fact that such an institution is even necessary. Fuck the fact that he even came in the first place, when he could have stayed at the orphanage for the rest of his short life, milling away his days and wasting what time he had- at least he would be wasting that time with the one or two people he had left.

Who wants to be at Daybreak? The hopeful and the confident, people unlike him. The ones with strong morals and a sense of duty, people unlike him. For him, the school is a jail, a runaway train with broken brakes, it's a reminder that all these wonderful and talented students the school is training, all these people he'd grown to love and want to keep close... it's a suicide run. Everybody coming out of this alive is a fool's dream.

He can't fight. He can't contribute. He's a drain on resources and he pulls down everybody he comes in contact with.

What's the point?

He's silent, mulling these thoughts over. It's like overturning rocks in the barren garden that is his mind, thoughts he keeps buried and ignored because nobody good would come out of ruminating, he can only see himself spinning his wheels and running away. ]

...Because it's scary. It's too big. Too noisy. There's too many people. I never know what to do.

[Nowhere to run when they're up in the air, at least, and no harm done when it's something he's resolved to do anyway. Maybe that's why Maverick feels okay with asking him outright like that, and why it's okay to let Kano think his answer through.]

...Yeah.

[There was definitely that. It was why Maverick spent so much time in his room or huddled up with a book, if he wasn't diligently going from class to class like good students are supposed to do. Being in a school setting was unsettling enough, after his break from it, but...the fancy, loud, unpredictable, large... How the fucking hell was it so crowded when the place was as fucking large as it was? It's a mystery he doesn't really want to solve, because he doubts the answer would make him feel any better about it.

The other points he would have agreed with, too, but alas. He's working with what he's been given.]

You stopped coming by so much. You used to just...show up, and then for a while shit would just be...quiet. None of that shit going on outside mattered, it was just you and me. That's how it felt... I guess I dunno if it was the same for you. But then you stopped. Was it because it wasn't like that?

[ Scary, loud, and noisy, and all Kano could think to do is to be busy and boisterous right back; nobody could guess, looking at him, the fear he feels at the sight of another person, the pounding of his heart when he can't see everything all in one glance or when there's too much background noise masking opportunities or somebody or something to sneak up on him.

That's why Maverick's room was good. It wasn't like Kano's room, which was his own but one where anybody could knock on the door and expect him to be in there-- with Maverick's room, his space under the bed, he could just exist and be and nothing else mattered. It was a break, an escape that not even sleep could relieve him.

And then he stopped coming.

Because he was a fool.

He turns to Maverick and smiles, small and apologetic and awkward. ]

It's because you had friends. You have a boyfriend. Good people in your life, and you don't need to be holed up somewhere with somebody like me. You were happy. You don't need me. That's what I thought.

[ It's because he's a fool. And a liar, who can't tell Maverick the whole truth. ]

[He can't stop the grimace, or the way his nose wrinkles up, because wow, that sure is some bullshit. Sure, obviously Kano couldn't come when he was busy literally not existing, but his excuse for that was the same as the one he's giving Mav now, and it's just as much of a slap in the face. Still, that's what I thought. Past tense. He wants to believe that wasn't a deliberate choice just to trick him into feeling better...]

It ain't like that, though. No one's friendship mattered to me as much as yours...and fuck, I didn't even like princess until last month. And now shit keeps happening, and... It just ain't like that.

[And...]

I really...wanted to tell you. He doesn't want that shit getting out for, I dunno, publicity... It's fucking stupid, but I get it. Look at me. So I couldn't tell other people. But I wanted to tell you, and when you finally came by, it was that...weird note shit? So I couldn't tell you.

[ The grimace would've been the same, if Kano had told the whole truth; maybe the reaction would have been worse. He picks at a spot on his pants, underneath where he knows there should be a scab or something that needs peeling, and looks sideways at Maverick. ]

...I'm not going to make you choose between him and me. [ Because that's stupid? Because he would rather Maverick choose Akechi, who he'll be happy with, even if the thought makes him feel like crying. Stupid. ]

I'm happy for you, Mav. Really. It was your space, your life to begin with, I don't care...

[Sorry, kiddo. No more scab there. It's gone, along with the cuts, even though Mav didn't know a thing about it when he kissed Tsubomi's perfect little fingers.]

You're not making me choose because there's not a fucking choice to be made. He's fun, and beautiful, and he just... I dunno. But it isn't the same. You're my best fucking friend, cricket. You say you're happy for me, but if that were true, I wouldn't be so goddamn miserable trying to make you happy, too. Make you actually stay in my fucking life, where I want you, but you keep pushing me away and saying that's not what you want. How the fuck can I possibly fucking be happy with that?

[ No... the only fun part about getting hurt is picking scabs and poking bruises... He has to settle for rubbing the dirt off his pants instead, fingertips staining black instead of the usual bright red. ]

That's your problem. [ It comes out curter than he'd wanted, even if it were mumbled into the fabric over his knees. ] Your idea of happpiness and mine are different. I just want... It'd be nice if you could be happy, if you could go around laughing and playing with all your friends and just be safe. That's enough to make me happy. You don't need to do anything for me, and it's worse when I'm there. Don't you see?

[ If happiness is to exist, Kano can't be part of that equation. There's no way Maverick, or Yuya or Nana or Ellie or anybody can make him happy, not when Nightfall is a thing, not when this school exists. ]

[He laughs once, humorlessly, even though he's barely over feeling stunned by that pushback.]

That's a really fucked up world you've dreamed up there, you know. I gotta laugh and play with all my friends except the one I wanna play with the most? Find a different way to fucking be happy, because that ain't happening.

Haha... Is it impossible? If I were to leave, can't you just curse my existence and move on?

[ Or would he cling to that memory of friendship forever, the same way Yuya clung to Kano's friendship, the same way Kano clung to the memory of his mother long after she had passed, the way he clings onto Ellie now uses their relationship as a basis for excuse. ]

We tried that already. I wound up getting a Contract trying to get shit fixed, remember?

[Yeah. It's impossible.]

There's only ever been two fucking people I'd do that shit for, and so fucking what that you didn't ask... I needed to. You wanna give people what they want, then fucking be here, because I don't fucking wanna figure shit out without you.

[ That sounds like a Maverick problem, tbh. ]

......Hey, Mav. You hate it when I screw with you, right? When I talk in circles and dodge questions and play pretend, and that sorta stuff?

[wow, he doesn't like where this is going.]

...When I'm not fucking kidding around with you. Yeah.

[ haha, don't be so suspicious ]

It's mean, isn't it? I make you doubt, and you can't trust me at all, and it's exhausting having to figure things out, isn't it?

[That honestly doesn't deserve or warrant an answer, so Maverick just turns his eyes onto Kano fully. Make your dumbass point and get it over with.]

"It ain't healthy for him to be around you. He's super fucked up, and even if you make him forget about how shit things are sometimes, the rest of the time you aren't helping."

Why do you agree with this when it's Toki, but not with you?

[ Maverick obviously believes it's in Toki's best interest if Kano were to stay away; that's why he agreed to pass along the message. He believes that Kano is poison to everybody around him, that the best thing for others is to stay away. So he can't be blind to the fact that Kano is a poison to him to. ]

[He's supposed to hit Kano when he's mad, huh? So he has full permission to punch him hard in the shoulder now, even if it makes the old man next to him stir for a moment before deciding the waking world still isn't worth it and he goes back to snoring. To make up for the motion required, he lowers his voice to a hiss, even if he's pretty sure...none of that really matters, at this point?]

Because I'm not the one being led into traffic, or giving in when someone fucking suggests something else, even if I don't agree with it! I'm not the one that fucking tries to rip my fucking eye out because I decide a goddamn daemon lives in there! I have common fucking sense! You stupid bastard, that's nowhere near the same thing!

[HE'S LESS OF A DISASTER THAN TOKI, COME ON]

[ Kano grits his teeth when he's punched, but all it does is turn that sneer on his face into a grimace. Because yeah, that's all his fault, isn't it? Endangering Toki's life because he didn't know how else to convince Toki not to run away to live in New York other than to knock him out and drag him back. Always bringing up more and more ridiculous things to Toki, trying to push and find that line that surely even Toki has, that Toki would be able to stop and realize things aren't right. Even ripping his eye out because of a daemon- it was Kano that'd brought it up in the first place, talking about the way Michael can see through his eyes and maybe Toki is the same? Absolutely nothing good has come out of any time he's spoken with Toki, but that's not Toki's fault. It's his. ]

Who is the one sitting on an airplane to Canada right now?

[ Maverick has more common sense than most people in the school put together, but he is still somebody who led out of the country, who flew Kano to Canada even if he didn't agree with it, who gained a Contract and a tattoo for the sake of this person sitting beside him that is no good to him at all. ]

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