suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

[ It's been... a good number of days. Fretful and anxious and Kano's spent much of it either asleep not wanting to deal, or forcing himself awake for days at a time because this is what he deserves. Talking with Yuya helped a lot, but Yuya is still just one person. An important person, but just one. Nana is another important person to him, but more than Yuya, she's somebody he absolutely does not want a heart-to-heart conversation with; he doesn't want her to see his ugly heart, and decide to give up on him.

So it takes a while before Kano relies, half meaning to just delete the text and pretend he never got it but Nana would be even madder at him then?? Maybe he wants her to be mad at him in a capacity which he can address and fix, not... everything else that he did. He has his reasons for them, and doesn't want to explain them.

A simple text for a simple text: ]

Hi, Nana-chan.

[She's not sure if he's going to reply. In Nana's head... there's some ugly stories she's told herself. That, maybe, it was going to all fall apart sooner or later; that she can't help him; that once he really figures out what she's like, he wouldn't want her to. And then she remembers Shuuya, and...

It's all a mess.

So she's surprised, a little, when the text comes back. Nana's delayed, herself, in responding to it. She starts, deletes everything, and starts again a few times. It's a few iterations, before she answers.]

I'm sorry I didn't text sooner.

[She mentally kicks herself for settling on that and follows it immediately with:] That's the least appropriate thing for me to say, isn't it?

[ He really wishes she'd start off with something else instead of an apology, or that his kneejerk reaction to apologies is always to refute it, to try and assure her that she's not in the wrong and it's his fault for not saying anything— his fault for so many other things too, but-

Hmm. ]

Nope, no!
I can think of plenty of less appropriate things you could say~!
I'm happy to get a text from you???
So it's nothing to apologize for!!!!

[ Hmm. Ugh... Is that enough exclamation marks to sound convincing... or would Nana be mad at him for acting like everything is normal... ]

[She regrets that she started with an apology, if for different reasons. Nana sighs... and decides, no, she'd rather just move on than dwell on that, and try to talk about what's actually on her mind.

So the response is a little quicker.]

I missed talking to you.

Will you tell me why you did any of that?

I'm sorry I'm asking. I know you don't like to talk about yourself much. But all the things I tell myself seem like they don't add up.

[ The first message makes him a bit hopeful, and the second dashes that completely. ]

I missed talking to you too.
But no, I won't tell you.
I know it was a mistake, and I won't do it again.
Can we leave it at that?

[She's glad she started this by text, because she makes a frustrated noise that she doesn't think she could have kept in.

She's texting pretty rapid fire, now.]

I didn't doubt that you knew it was a mistake. Or that you wouldn't do it again. I don't think you're the sort of person who wants to see his friends hurt.

I just
I don't know
I want to know because
I want to help and I don't want to look at you and wonder how you're hurting and not have any answers
I've always had faith in you, and I still do, but I want to give you more than faith.

[If he's in his room, he can hear a 'bonk' against the wall as she leans her head against the wall their room shares.]

[ He's in his room, and he shifts in bed so that his back's no longer pressed against the wall. ]

Sorry.
You can help by being you.
You don't have to do anything for me.
Please don't bother.

[ It'll be misplaced faith... He knows his "role" is that of an anti-hero, or anti-villain, or anti... something. The point is, his methods are questionable at best, he knows that. Nobody should get caught up in them. ]

When has being me ever been enough?

[She regrets sending that as soon as it's off. There's no unsend button.

So she follows it with:]

I don't want you to feel like you're alone.
You don't have to tell me anything.
But if things aren't going so well for you, you don't have to hide it, either.
I'll listen. Or I'll be quiet and stay next to you.
Or I'll talk about bananas and cooking and distract you if you want.
But I'd rather know when things are bad so I can help, even if we don't talk about it.

[ Oh... That guts him, understanding the want and the need to be enough, doing everything he can but never being able to make the person he cares about happy. It guts him that people keep saying that to him, that they want to be there for him and they want their presence to be enough, but the hole is just too big, the chasm is too deep and it's too dark, and he can't

read this without putting his phone down and taking a breath and sitting up to scroll through the rest.

And he takes even longer, typing everything out all at once instead of quick short messages like he would always do. ]

I mean it, Nana-chan. You can help best by just being you. Don't feel like you need to do things for me or try extra hard for my sake... I'll end up feeling like I'm being pitied, or am a burden. I like talking to you when things are manageable; when things are bad, all I need is to take some time to myself and I'll be okay again. My problems aren't so bad that I want to involve other people... This last time, it was only supposed to be just me. I hope you can believe me.

[She lowers her phone, closes her eyes, and wishes that she was a lot better at cutting off her emotions when she reads that. There’s a sense of guilt there from not knowing if he really can handle that on his own. But didn’t she say she has faith in him?]

Okay. I believe you.
But if it’s ever too much and you can’t handle it on your own, please don’t hide it from me. Even if I can’t help, I’d rather know it’s true.
I’d never pity you. And you’re not a burden, I promise.
You’re important to me, Kano-kun.
I like you because you’re you, even when things are tough.

[ It's both easier and harder over text, where Kano can take his time sorting his thoughts and typing out what he wants to say, but it lacks the advantage an in person meeting does, where he can watch somebody's face and hands and voice and tell how their words don't match their feelings, where he can do that and selfishly hide everything that gives himself away in return.

He turns back around, letting his head bump against the wall. ]

Thanks for the concern, but I'll be fine! I can handle things just fine on my own, so trust in my ability to work through things, okay?

[ It's not a lie... He believes with all his heart that he can do it by himself and not cave under the pressure; it's how he's always managed the past 10- no, the full 17 years of his life, probably. He was always by himself, and he always managed. He believes this.

When you live your entire life like this, you don't realize that this isn't "managing," that things being overwhelming isn't the norm and that asking for help doesn't mean you suddenly can't handle everything you used to be able to handle- it means you should've asked for help long long ago, and maybe things wouldn't be this way.

Unfortunately, this is just how life is. ]

But if you want to help me with something... I have a question for you, Nana-chan. What do you do when you love somebody, but no matter how hard you try or how much you do, you keep messing up and make things worse and are no good for them?

[Her eyes close. If he could work through things, then why did this happen? But he's smart. He's resourceful. And she said she would trust him, and right now, so few people do.

Shouldn't she?

Why is this so complicated? Nana sighs, before she opens her eyes, and then she starts typing out her response.]

Okay. I trust you, Kano-kun. If you ever can't, though, the offer stands.

[The second one, though... her second text is a little longer in coming. She isn't sure, really, what that might be. He probably left a lot of people mad at him. Maybe someone wrote him off? Nana's brow furrows.

Trying to figure it out is futile.]

That's tricky, Kano-kun... I think it depends what they want. If they don't want to see you, and they've told you that or maybe are saying it without saying it, I think you should give them space. They may need to work through something. I think if you come back to them later, it's different.

But.. if you think you're bad for someone and all you do is hurt them, I think they have to decide that for themselves. If you're worried about it, maybe you should ask them if you're hurting them? If they say they want you there...

Trust them?

[ He's smart, and resourceful, and this is the culmination of all of that. It's a little scary to think how things could have turned out if his intentions were different, or his heart wasn't in the right place. It's just as well, though; being hated and ignored, those aren't new experiences for him, and what makes everybody happy in that situation is to just keep his head down and be by himself for a while. ]

I don't think I can do that.
It's not a big deal, anyways. The window to talk is already gone, so it doesn't matter anymore. I don't think I'd have the courage to bring it up on my own anyways. I guess I wouldn't have done the right thing either, if I could redo it again...
This helped, so thanks.
Is there anything I could do for you?

I'm sorry, Kano-kun. I think it would hurt a lot, if that happened to me. I don't like to lose people.

[She still catches herself trying to piece together who it is. Still... it's nice to know she helped, somehow. Nana takes a second, before she works up a second reply.]

If you don't feel up to it, please don't feel like you need to for my sake.
But I'd like to see you? I could come over or we could go to a lounge.
Maybe we can watch a movie or cook something or just talk about nothing for awhile.

Do you know how to bake peanut butter cookies that aren't sweet?

I sure do.

Let's make cookies. I have peanut butter and flour!

And I have the rest!

We need a little sugar, but it won't taste sweet. It's just to help the dough bind together.

KK
I'll trust in your baking knowledge!
Let's also make cookie cutters!!

We can make cookie cutters!

Do you want to meet out in the hall? I'm free.

Alright. Give me 3-30 minutes.

[ Most like 45... Kano's sense of time is a bit warped, and Nana should know better than to wait outside when she can just listen for when his door opens, and she meets him out there.

He comes empty handed. Presumably, everything he needs is in the infinite pockets of his jacket. ]

[She figured out that she shouldn’t just head out right away. Nana gets her supplies together: some sugar, a couple of extracts, and other baking supplies.

And then she goes out when she hears his door open. She smiles instantly. It’s a relief to see him. Nana does a short wave.]

Kano-kun! Ready for baking?

[ -—he lifts his head and breaks into a bright smile as well, always the ready actor. ]

Nana-chan, hello~!! I'm ready, I'm ready, I have everything I said I'd bring! Do you need help carrying anything?

I think I’ve got it. [The smile and everything else is... she’s not sure it’s totally real. But it’s comforting in a way to see him try. Nana watches him for a second too long, then shifts the bag on her shoulder, and starts walking for the kitchen.

Once they’re past everyone’s doors — reasonably out of sight if someone steps out at just this moment — she tries to take his hand.

She missed that too.]

[ He'd expect awkward silence, downward glances; the fact that Nana still smiles at him just makes his heart pound in his throat and his stomach churn on itself, like he doesn't agree with this at all but still forces himself through the motions. All of that is easily ignorable, though; that's just sort of how he goes through everyday life.

But when Nana reaches for his hand, he startles—- much worse than any time before, where he'd just jolt involuntarily and then settles down- when Nana reaches for his hand, he jerks his hand out of the way in surprise, blinking once or twice before reaching over to take her hand with an apologetic laugh. ]

Sorry, sorry~ I wasn't expecting that! You'll be off-balanced if you only carry the bag over one shoulder, and it'll hurt later too.

[ His hand is cold and clammy, with a weak grip. He can make it look otherwise, but nothing can change how it feels. ]

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