suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

Haha... That's where you're wrong, isn't it? I've done lots of stuff to you I need to apologize for, but I haven't! But for some reason, you aren't mad at me. Now, why do you think that is?

[ Why is Toki still his friend? Why is Maverick? Imelda? Lots of people he'd wronged more than once in the past, never apologized for his misdeeds, and somehow, they still care for him. Because they're good people? Maybe. ]

Uh. [Yuya raises a brow.] Obviously because I don't think you've done anything you need to apologize for.

[A pause, and then he points.] To me, but if you hurt Nana's feelings with that stunt of yours at the ball then you better have apologized to her.

[Did she find out?? Yuya has no idea. He's not going to ask her about it, though.] Did I look mad about something before? I mean, really upset.

[ Nana never found out... He believes so, anyways, and isn't about to go dig up past crimes and bring it up again. But Yuya's right here making the point for him, so Kano shakes his head. ]

Nope, you've never seemed very upset, even though you should be~ But see? This is part of it! You thinking nothing's wrong, but I did. I made up for it in my own way, and everybody's happy~ You just have to do it like that!

[ All those times Kano goes "out of his way" for people... That was him making it up. For Imelda it was a gift basket. For Nana, a trip to the mountains to play with fireworks. Yuya, he'd taken out on campus and showed him an entire cityscape of an illusion. His way of apologizing. ]

So you're... still apologizing, you're just not saying it? [What's the advice part of this? He rubs the back of his neck.] But if you said sorry first, it'd be the same thing? Because it doesn't mean anything if you don't do anything to try and be better after you hurt someone. Sorry is just--a word so they know you didn't mean it.

[He thinks? He rests his cheek on his hand.] If someone said sorry because they kicked me, and then kicked me again then it doesn't mean anything. They have to stop kicking you. But even then, it's still... good to hear? Because if someone says sorry, too, then you know for sure that they regret that they hurt you.

Not doing it again is implied, but that's it, though, isn't it? Sorry is just a word. It doesn't mean anything, and I don't like hearing it.

[ It's why he banned Toki from using the word around him too, though he managed to find a synonymous workaround. ]

I don't know, if they don't say anything I might assume they don't care and would kick me later. Trying to guess if it's implied or or is too complicated, I'd rather just be told so I don't have to figure it out on my own! [He's straightforward and dumb, have some mercy on him.]

Ehh... How would you feel if somebody said sorry but you don't know what they're sorry about, or don't think it's worth a sorry after they tell you?

[ Kano is dumb too but also the opposite of straightforward, he's got to make things complicated so there's no mercy from him. ]

Ask them what they're apologizing for. And if it's not worth a sorry, then I'd tell them it's okay, so they know they didn't hurt me like they thought they did.

[He lifts his head.] So when you say 'even though you should be upset', what did you do to me that you were apologizing for?

[Since he obviously didn't pick up on it.]

[ ... ]

I forget, now! Water under the bridge, right?

[ WHY WOULD HE BRING IT UP AGAIN IF YUYA DIDN'T KNOW he's not going to incriminate himself, thanks. ]

... If I don't even know you're apologizing to begin with, that doesn't mean anything either.

[Because then it's all just wrapped up in Kano's private world. It never really touches anyone else and nobody sees the view that Kano does. He thinks he's making amends and squaring things up, but would someone else just see someone who doesn't care about the effect of their actions?

That's actually probably what some people do see, not the least because Kano is continually followed by chaos.]

Hmm... That's fine, isn't it?

[ That's exactly what most people see, Kano constantly running around expending his energy in what seems like meaningless, directionless expenditures. It's fine with him if it doesn't matter- if the only person who feels better at the end of the day is him, because he's the only one who knows. As long as the other person isn't upset, that's what matters most to him, so he won't ever bring up his faults by apologizing, he'll just try to make up for it in his own roundabout way. ]

If you're not upset, then I don't have to say anything. Like you didn't have to say those sorries from before either.

Is it? [Yuya shifts, leaning on one hand as he regards Kano thoughtfully.] I think if you'd hurt me, trying to fix things in a way I didn't understand wouldn't have made me happy or satisfied at all. If you apologize in a way I don't understand, I won't feel your regret or your desire to do better. So it just ends up being for yourself, doesn't it?

Hmm, yeah. But that's also fine?

[ It doesn't matter, essentially. Convincing people he regrets his actions or wants to do better isn't his goal, anyways, so it doesn't matter to him. ]

[A frown slowly creeps on Yuya's face.] Then if you don't care about their feelings enough to even be that honest, why bother at all? If your going to apologize in a way that just leaves someone hurt because they can't tell you're sorry and want to make amends, it means even less!

[He shifts back up, folding his arms as he leans forward a little.] Why do you want to keep your feelings to yourself that much?

[ Kano grins and takes the box of flowers back from Yuya's hands, shutting the lid on it and tucking the box underneath his arm. ]

Let's go home, Yuya~

[Yuya leans back, looking between the box and Kano. He doesn't move to get up.]

... So why am I your friend, Kano? [Is even a basic answer that's the basis of their relationship Kano would just leave Yuya guessing, letting him make his own--probably wrong conclusions?]

That's a question for yourself, isn't it?

[ So, yeah, he's going to leave Yuya guessing, turning around and crouching in front of Yuya if he's going to refuse to stand. ]

I like you 'cause you're you. But I don't think being friends means there can be no secrets between people— that'd be boring, wouldn't it?

[Yuya stares Kano straight on.] You're not keeping secrets. You're hiding.

[Kano's whole self can't be a 'secret'. Doing things strangely, that's fine as long as Yuya can get to know him, learn his quirks and understand. But being denied that, when Kano's been doing something he hadn't grasped with no intention of making his actions clearer--his actions to Yuya clearer--it muddles whatever their fondness is based on, doesn't it?]

[ That's exactly it. Kano is not a good friend to have; in the moment he might be fun and exciting, but for anybody to get close enough to get to know him... He doesn't just hide, he fabricates. Everything from his personality to his favorite foods, he makes sure to be deliberate.

There's a reason. It's not a good one, but it's a reason. ]

Yuya. You, of all people, know what I'm really like the best. Shouldn't you know why I'm "hiding"?

Because you kind of hate yourself, don't you? [He unwinds his arms, reaching to put one hand on Kano's and hold him still with the same severity as his expression.

Don't you?]

[ The smile on Kano's face, rather than falter, just brightens. It's his usual smile: fake fake fake. ]

Mmhmm, yep! That's right~! So, that's why it's gotta be like this~ There's no convincing me, you know?

[He hates himself. That Yuya understands, better than anything in words and feelings. Because he hates himself, too. It's at once that his shoulders ease and there's a raw pain in Yuya's eyes that Kano won't ever show, that he has the luxury of walls people can't break. Yuya has no choice but to wear himself openly, for better or worse.

Yuya reaches his hands up slowly, moving to gently cup Kano's cheeks in them as he smiles despite the pain in his throat and tears welling in his eyes. But it isn't fake.]

Then as long as I can have my friend... that can be enough. Because the Kano that's really my friend is the one that hates himself, but I really like him a lot. Just like he likes me, even though I feel the same way.

[ His smile falters now, hearing that and feeling the warmth of Yuya's hand on his face. It's a bit of a struggle, hearing "I feel the same way" and wanting to believe that Yuya means that he also hates Kano the same way Kano hates himself, but he'd just said he likes Kano a lot, and it's... Kano would much rather Yuya hate him, than hate himself.

He's such a good guy; he has no reason to... ]

What is there to hate...? I'll fix it.

I'm stupid and weak. I hurt Gongenzaka so badly, I do things that cause everyone trouble and I never make the wrong decision. I drag Nana down, and I need Odd-Eyes to do all the fighting for me. No matter how hard I try, I always mess up.

[Yuya smiles wider. He's a mess, the worst, clinging selfishly to people he doesn't deserve but he loves being loved by them more than he feels like a martyr.] It's funny... because I wanted to fix how much you hate yourself, too. When I realized, I thought that I wanted you to see how special you are. I want you to be happy, because I'm happy with you.

[ Being stupid and weak, hurting people and causing trouble, those are all very familiar concerns. But that isn't enough to hate oneself; it isn't why Kano hates himself, and he doesn't want it to be the reason Yuya hates himself. ]

Huh~ But you're trying your best to fix all those things, aren't you? Hatred can be a good motivator, in that way! It's the same way with me too? Happiness doesn't have to be the answer, though it'd be great if we were all safe and happy~

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