suddenlybees | || IC INBOX

... If I don't even know you're apologizing to begin with, that doesn't mean anything either.

[Because then it's all just wrapped up in Kano's private world. It never really touches anyone else and nobody sees the view that Kano does. He thinks he's making amends and squaring things up, but would someone else just see someone who doesn't care about the effect of their actions?

That's actually probably what some people do see, not the least because Kano is continually followed by chaos.]

Hmm... That's fine, isn't it?

[ That's exactly what most people see, Kano constantly running around expending his energy in what seems like meaningless, directionless expenditures. It's fine with him if it doesn't matter- if the only person who feels better at the end of the day is him, because he's the only one who knows. As long as the other person isn't upset, that's what matters most to him, so he won't ever bring up his faults by apologizing, he'll just try to make up for it in his own roundabout way. ]

If you're not upset, then I don't have to say anything. Like you didn't have to say those sorries from before either.

Is it? [Yuya shifts, leaning on one hand as he regards Kano thoughtfully.] I think if you'd hurt me, trying to fix things in a way I didn't understand wouldn't have made me happy or satisfied at all. If you apologize in a way I don't understand, I won't feel your regret or your desire to do better. So it just ends up being for yourself, doesn't it?

Hmm, yeah. But that's also fine?

[ It doesn't matter, essentially. Convincing people he regrets his actions or wants to do better isn't his goal, anyways, so it doesn't matter to him. ]

[A frown slowly creeps on Yuya's face.] Then if you don't care about their feelings enough to even be that honest, why bother at all? If your going to apologize in a way that just leaves someone hurt because they can't tell you're sorry and want to make amends, it means even less!

[He shifts back up, folding his arms as he leans forward a little.] Why do you want to keep your feelings to yourself that much?

[ Kano grins and takes the box of flowers back from Yuya's hands, shutting the lid on it and tucking the box underneath his arm. ]

Let's go home, Yuya~

[Yuya leans back, looking between the box and Kano. He doesn't move to get up.]

... So why am I your friend, Kano? [Is even a basic answer that's the basis of their relationship Kano would just leave Yuya guessing, letting him make his own--probably wrong conclusions?]

That's a question for yourself, isn't it?

[ So, yeah, he's going to leave Yuya guessing, turning around and crouching in front of Yuya if he's going to refuse to stand. ]

I like you 'cause you're you. But I don't think being friends means there can be no secrets between people— that'd be boring, wouldn't it?

[Yuya stares Kano straight on.] You're not keeping secrets. You're hiding.

[Kano's whole self can't be a 'secret'. Doing things strangely, that's fine as long as Yuya can get to know him, learn his quirks and understand. But being denied that, when Kano's been doing something he hadn't grasped with no intention of making his actions clearer--his actions to Yuya clearer--it muddles whatever their fondness is based on, doesn't it?]

[ That's exactly it. Kano is not a good friend to have; in the moment he might be fun and exciting, but for anybody to get close enough to get to know him... He doesn't just hide, he fabricates. Everything from his personality to his favorite foods, he makes sure to be deliberate.

There's a reason. It's not a good one, but it's a reason. ]

Yuya. You, of all people, know what I'm really like the best. Shouldn't you know why I'm "hiding"?

Because you kind of hate yourself, don't you? [He unwinds his arms, reaching to put one hand on Kano's and hold him still with the same severity as his expression.

Don't you?]

[ The smile on Kano's face, rather than falter, just brightens. It's his usual smile: fake fake fake. ]

Mmhmm, yep! That's right~! So, that's why it's gotta be like this~ There's no convincing me, you know?

[He hates himself. That Yuya understands, better than anything in words and feelings. Because he hates himself, too. It's at once that his shoulders ease and there's a raw pain in Yuya's eyes that Kano won't ever show, that he has the luxury of walls people can't break. Yuya has no choice but to wear himself openly, for better or worse.

Yuya reaches his hands up slowly, moving to gently cup Kano's cheeks in them as he smiles despite the pain in his throat and tears welling in his eyes. But it isn't fake.]

Then as long as I can have my friend... that can be enough. Because the Kano that's really my friend is the one that hates himself, but I really like him a lot. Just like he likes me, even though I feel the same way.

[ His smile falters now, hearing that and feeling the warmth of Yuya's hand on his face. It's a bit of a struggle, hearing "I feel the same way" and wanting to believe that Yuya means that he also hates Kano the same way Kano hates himself, but he'd just said he likes Kano a lot, and it's... Kano would much rather Yuya hate him, than hate himself.

He's such a good guy; he has no reason to... ]

What is there to hate...? I'll fix it.

I'm stupid and weak. I hurt Gongenzaka so badly, I do things that cause everyone trouble and I never make the wrong decision. I drag Nana down, and I need Odd-Eyes to do all the fighting for me. No matter how hard I try, I always mess up.

[Yuya smiles wider. He's a mess, the worst, clinging selfishly to people he doesn't deserve but he loves being loved by them more than he feels like a martyr.] It's funny... because I wanted to fix how much you hate yourself, too. When I realized, I thought that I wanted you to see how special you are. I want you to be happy, because I'm happy with you.

[ Being stupid and weak, hurting people and causing trouble, those are all very familiar concerns. But that isn't enough to hate oneself; it isn't why Kano hates himself, and he doesn't want it to be the reason Yuya hates himself. ]

Huh~ But you're trying your best to fix all those things, aren't you? Hatred can be a good motivator, in that way! It's the same way with me too? Happiness doesn't have to be the answer, though it'd be great if we were all safe and happy~

I am trying, but... I don't do any better. [Yuya drops his hands limply.] I probably can't do anything for you, either. Like you said, there's no convincing you, right?

Progress is just like that, sometimes!! It's super slow, so you don't notice a change at all, until you look back years and years later~ But you're right: you can't convince me. But it's okay! My goal isn't to be happy, after all, so just keep doing what you're doing, and things will work out.

[It's not reassuring. It just confirms to Yuya that he's not good enough to help Kano, just like he can't help Gongenzaka. He can't do anything for the people that matter to him, always ending up a burden or hurting them with own actions.

He doesn't make a sound, but tears start spilling down his face immediately. It's not okay, because he cares about Kano so much more than Kano cares about himself. And yet he's trying so hard to help Yuya.]

You can't fix me. [He sounds regretful, reaching to wipe his eyes.] But having you there is--enough. Is having me enough...?

[ He's not good enough to help, because it's a lost cause on Kano's part- he's convinced himself of that, has stopped thinking about ways to make life worth living and instead just focuses on making use of what little life he has left to make sure things will be okay for the people he cares about. It doesn't mean fixing people; he doesn't think that highly of himself.

He does what he can, even if that's white lies. ]

Mm, yep~ Having you is enough. As long as you're safe, that's enough!

[Yuya squeezes his eyes shut, blinking rapidly as he wipes his face and takes a deep breath to steady himself. He looks up at Kano, then silently out stretches his arms in offer of an embrace.]

[ ...He really hates hugs. They're awkward and he never knows what to do with his arms and there's so many ways a hug could go wrong and he just feels weird being on the receiving end of one. But an invitation instead of Yuya just going for it makes things easier, and Kano shuffles closer and wraps his arms around Yuya and gives him a quick squeeze, a pat on the head, lets go. He's no good at this!!!! He's trying. ]

[Yuya doesn't hold tightly at Kano leans in--his hands don't even reach his back, hanging in the air as his arms lightly hug Kano's side.

And then he pulls back suddenly, and Yuya blinks before jerking his arms back.]

[ That was about as awful as he thought it would be. He laughs and takes Yuya by the hand to drag him towards Odd-Eyes. ]

Alright~ Now, let's go home! I still want to read that book of yours, and we gotta make floorplans and everything~

[Yuya stumbles to his feet as he pulls against his hands.] Okay--don't forget your flower box!

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